Unopened Window

~

 

I stood at the unopened window,

watching it rain from the sky

Complaining inside of a future

that seems to be passing me by

Regrets flooding every emotion,

moments no longer appear

Searching for hope in the downpour,

since you are no longer here

Wrapped up in clouded decisions,

feeling the glass wet and cold

Dreaming of reasons I love you,

swallowing words now untold

Hoping for merely a sentence,

no longer needing the sun

Puddles collect in the fractures,

knowing it soon will be done

And as the raindrops are ending,

nothing much left now to view

Here at this unopened window,

drenched in the days without you

 

~

Reviews

[Soren]

A feeling of loss and loneliness that leaves a melancholic atmosphere. The metaphor of an unopened window leaves the feeling of a transparent but nevertheless barrier between what is outside and what is inside. Very nice.

[willweb]

Thanks so much Soren, I am happy you liked my poem. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

[DIVYA]

A poem with so much said and so much unsaid but felt keenly by your reader...
The poet loved deeply but perhaps could not express what was in his heart sufficiently.
Yet, how he yearns for merely a sentence from her because, for him, that is the Sun!
Some very beautiful lines here too, dear Willweb, such as:
"Searching for hope in the downpour" and "Puddles collect in the fractures"...
I relate and relate to your words in this poem and all the feelings expressed
are feelings I have felt too, so there is absolutely everything in it for the reader!
Keep sharing my friend...

[willweb]

Thanks Divya, I always look forward to your visits to my poetry. Your kind words felt good to read this morning.

[DIVYA]

You are welcome, dear Willweb!
Have a nice day.

[JayG]

• I stood at the unopened window, watching it rain from the sky

Where else would it rain from? Why explain the obvious?

• Dreaming of reasons I love you,

Really…why thank you. And I love...wait, do I know you?

My point? What’s in it for the reader? Someone they know not the smallest thing about is talking about things for which they have no context, and telling someone not introduced, how THEY feel. Meaningful to you, who have experience, intent, and memories guiding your understanding. Meaningful too, to the one it’s written for…if THEY were reading it.

But forget that for the moment because you’ve missed a critical point: the reader is NOT with us for a better understanding of what matters to us. They're reading for purely selfish reasons: To have your words provide them with an emotional, not an informational, experience.

They don’t want, for example, to learn that you cried. They want your words to make THEM weep. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But you opened with a weather report. 😃

The book-report writing skills we were given in school are useless for poetry, because they’re designed to inform. And since the reader cannot know the emotion to place in the narrator’s voice, it’s inherently dispassionate to anyone but you, who does know (which is also why you'll not notice a problem). Nofiction’s methodology is fact-based and author-centric, as is your poetry, because it’s how we were trained to write. And we, universally, forget that they offer degree programs in poetry related subjects, which is where the emotion-based and character-centric techniques are taught (plus in books on the subject, of course). And because we do forget, and literally are unaware there is a problem, we never seek a solution till it’s pointed out—which is the reason for this. I thought you might want to know.

So…grab a copy of Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It’s filled with the answers to questions you didn’t know you should be asking. You can download a readable copy free at the address below, though you’ll probably want a real copy in the end.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

And since you’re writing structured poetry, you need, need, need, to read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. He will, like Mary, have you saying, “But…that’s so damn obvious. How can I not have seen it myself?

So…obviously, this wasn’t what you were hoping to see. Who would? But hopefully, it helps.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[willweb]

Ok, you caught me...I was a meteorologist before I ever tried to write poetry but on the bright side, it is a much nicer day today than it was yesterday (except the Eagles lost but, you can't win everything) And as far as what I was taught about book reports...no joke, I have never written a book report, was a terrible student and failed English class in high school. If I were writing these things on here for profit or notoriety, then for sure I would jump into the technical side and produce the best I could but...I'm not. I do appreciate you stopping by to read and for leaving your in-depth comment.

[.]

Lovely flow and meter, Will

I am pretty sure I have stood in that space in front of that unopened window many, many times in my life and pondered on regrets, what might have beens and the uncertainty of the future. And always seems to rain at such times. Weather to suit the mood, always.

I enjoyed your poem and perhaps that drenching may have a cathartic resolution after all. The rain always cleanses our woes. Well written.

[willweb]

Thanks so very much, I appreciate your visit and your comment

[Katelyn Kennedy]

I love how versatile this imagery is. It can simply be someone describing the weather outside in a beautiful way but when you read it you can also see where it describes a persons emotional state. The lead up to the last two lines was so good as well and it really set up for that driving home sentence.
Beautiful!

[willweb]

Thanks so very much Katelyn for your nice comment on my poem. Indeed, but describing the weather outside a window would have made for a boring poem I think so I had to make it a bit more dreary than just the rain. : ) You know though, it can't always be sunny days. Thanks again for your visit today.