BabyBlue

Baby blue is personification of sadness or familiar melancholy, in the poem the narrator is having a conversation with this feeling.

I burnt my tongue from the morning coffee 

But I think I like this taste of bitter and numb 

Babyblue, I bit my tongue and held it like a loaded gun

I tried to wear your words but they didn't quite fit

So I cut open the sleeves to feel my hands again

Then the other day somebody 

Sat beside me on the bed 

And said tomorrow you can go

But tonight just rest your head

Babyblue, I wanna know 

If I cross that line 

And leave my body where it lay

Would I finally be mine 

Or just drift the other way

Author's Note

Let me know what you think, open to any advice <3

Reviews

[JayG]

You write from your chair, but failed to edit from that of the reader, who lacks the context and intent that guides your understanding. So from that reader's viewpoint:

• I burnt my tongue from the morning coffee

Uhh...okay. That matters, because?

• But I think I like this taste of bitter and numb

So someone I know nothing about enjoys a bit of pain? Why should it matter to the reader?

• Babyblue I bit my tongue and held it like a loaded gun

1. I am not your Babyblue...whatever that is.
2. How is a loaded gun held that differs from one that's unloaded?
3. How does one remove their tongue and hold it? Your intent for the meaning doesn't reach the page. Only your words do, and the reader takes the meaning THEY suggest, not driven by your intent.

• I tried to wear your words but they didn't quite fit

My words? Seriously? You, someone unknown, are talking to someone unidentified, about events the reader lacks the smallest bit of context for.

This is written by and for you, and has meaning to and for you. So, what's in it for the reader?

My point is that the reader comes to you to be moved emotionally, not listen to what's on your mind and offer sympathy. So, where you might say, "I cried at the funeral, instead, give the reader reason to weep. evoke emotion, don't report it.

Of course how to do that is a learned skill, but poets have been figuring out how t do that for over a thousand years. so, take advantage of that. Grab a good book on the basics, like Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.

And for a boost on metrical poetry, take a read of the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

You'll be amazed at how obvious many of the skills are, once pointed out.