Dreaming in Repose

Been having deep dreams lately, fears and such.

The hole in the

heart of my soul

is showing me things,

in dreams.

First a small family squabble,

and I am given empathy like I've never known. 

Looking into the eye

of your young man,

time slows to a dribble.

I assimilate with his shame,

his lack,

and nearly faint

from the weight

and fall flat on my back.

The next night I am shown

a secret on the moon.

A vast gaping hole, the size of our country,

where men have mined in secret

for precious wealth unknown.

Their desperate hands

have left proof of ugliest need.

The moon belongs to no man,

and I am sick with this secret.

Looking at the frighteningly dark chasm,

the same color as the endless space around, nothingness,

it is mirrored in my heart.

Awake now, and this deep ache in my chest, 

pulls on me like an insidious undertow,

a silent, tragic lack.

Reviews

[Ed Hart]

dreamer, dreamer, you are wide open...it's a good think you're living in this age...

[Mark D. Chevalier]

I don't think it was too short as mentioned below. It is whatever it will be, and is exactly how you intend it to be. Dreams and fears are strange things indeed, rife with symbolism. It takes a strong person to bare them open for the world to see.

I thought the phrase about the moon was especially powerful. A secret, and perhaps a fear as well. Celestial associations bring some of our most vivid fears to life in dreams.

Excellent work!
Mark

[The realest]

I dont agree totally sometimes I think writers thrown in phrases or ideas so that the reader may take from the poem a whole new idea than why it was written. The rhyme scheme flowed for me but I write spoekn word so we dont really follow a ceratin scheme- I enjoyed it

[Mpotavin]

I was expecting a bit more description. Some sort of surreal journey through your dream world. This fell really short. The first sentence is good except for the comma after things (remove). Your young man? Who is this? And who is "your"? You do not describe him at all, nor do you describe his pain or the importance of any of this. Need more details.

You also pick some odd choices for words. Assimilate just doesn't work. An assimilation is a thorough understanding of something and if this was the case, it would not lead to you nearly fainting. Also, it would be "I assimilate his pain". If you keep it the other way, you will have to put in what you assimilate with his pain.

I don't really get a "sick desparation of greed" either. First I believe you meant to use desperation, but this doesn't fit because desperation is a loss of hope, which does not go with greed, which denotes a desire for more. Finally, greed is not a need nor does it create a need and can actually only be met once needs are already met, and one still desires more.

Lastly, a "quiet undertow"? How does this go with anything you have previously stated? Try to watch out for any text that does not work with and support your main story/themes. There is no ocean, beaches, or waves, so try to use something that reinforces your main premise. Also, I have never heard a loud undertow, so quiet doesn't mean much at all.

What was the secret? Was it the mine? Why is this a secret? This needs more explaination

There really needs to be more descriptive elements to this. Without added descriptions, this appears vague. Instead of saying "where men have tried to mine", describe these miners, what they look like. Imagine that I went on a spaceship and saw a completely alien world, came back, and told you "They showed me a secret, I feel I learned something." Would you be ok with that? Would you want more? Of course! So give more.