feast for the maggots

tw: bugs, body horror, self destruction, sa/rape ect

I gasp for air as my body trembles upon itself for once I feel alive but at what cost? the agony the aching of my bones pierce through my ego humbling me enough to realize all I am.. flesh.. warm chewy maluable flesh. what is the point of trying when I am but flesh.

despite my blood being so warm.. my skin feels so cold. my bones hollow yet burning as if filled with acid.. but no matter how much I gasp.. I can never find air.. only water rushes my lungs burning boiling hot water somehow drowning me yet burning me at once.

my flesh tears itself apart letting the maggots crawl in between my muscles invading every inch beneath my skin squirming and gnawing.. feasting upon the blood the skin.. I let it.

I used to cry screaming till my lungs collapse trying desperately to staple my meaty body together.. to get it to stop opening stop tearing.. I tried to shoo off the maggots tried to kick scream and cry.. but the water made everything I tried to say sound like muffled gurgles.. no matter what I did the staples burst open.. the maggots invading anyway

I gave up.. I let the maggots chew and feast.. even as I cried I smiled trying to pretend I let them.. maybe if I acted happy or eager.. it wouldn't hurt as much.. the maggots would feast anyways why not let them.. hold onto a sliver of control?

I wish they never feasted. I wish I never let them I wish I didn't let the water invade my lungs.. I hated my body for tearing open. hated my mind for forcing myself to smile. hated myself.. as all I am is flesh for those vile starving creatures to feed on. i'm nothing but an unwilling meal..

as the final blood poured out.. the last of my skin being consumed till I'm nothing but  muscle upon bone..I sit up finally.. the water pushing itself out of my throat I double over gagging coughing up the hot boiling water that silenced me.. nothing but tears escape my eyes when its over.. screams tear at my throat until my vocal cords give out.

more water.. this time in the form of my tears silence me. my lungs are free but my heart isn't.. the maggots have died when there was no more skin to chew.. yet I still felt them writhing.. biting.  I sobbed scratching slicing punching at my body.. a body that is all muscle and bones.. I look in the mirror and yet all I see is that rotting flesh and those vile maggots..

I no longer hate my flesh for tearing open.. I miss it.. miss how it protected my muscle.. my vessel.. missed how it took the impact of every bruise and scrape.. missed how soft it was how squishy.. how maluable.. how gentle. my flesh never tore itself open.. it was the maggots chewing it open.. the skin never broke open upon its own accord.

the maggots are at fault. not my precious skin.. soon all I see is the true reflection.. muscle.. some of my skin grows back..slowly and painfully.. but It refuses to all come back.. too afraid of the maggots that will seek out and dine upon its vulnerability.. I shiver my arms wrapped around myself gripping onto the patches of soft skin that grew back.. trying to hold it together

its not my skins fault

its the maggots. the dirty vile hungry maggots

my tears die down.. but I miss my skin.. my voice repairs.. but my skin isn't.. my heart still aches.. my brain convinced me I enjoyed it. but I didn't. the maggots demanded my enjoyment but I hated it. hate them. despise those vile creatures. I refuse to be someone else's feed. 

I refuse. I cry. I repeat it over and over.. I refuse.. it was the maggots..

I drive myself insane.. repeating again. and again. again. again. over and over and over and over till I drive myself to staying awake.. too afraid of the vulnerability of sleep.. if I sleep I cant keep the maggots away.. but as the days pass so does the fog..