yearning embrace

mainly a rant this chapter I hope you still enjoy however TW vague mentions of intimate acts, slight body horror, giving up.

as the words leave your lips ones I used to kiss. you gave up on me. went to her despite everything I know we weren't labeled but how can you claim to love then leave without a word. those nights we spent staring into each other's souls the whispered secrets the giggles movies we watched the bickering the teasing the promises all led to a shallow void I wanted to crawl into the safety of your flesh and bones stay warm for eternity knowing I am safe but no longer am I able to wrap myself in the blanket of your skin I waited too long to speak we spoke of everything but what we were I was afraid and so were you. but I thought we didn't need words to describe what we were we said friends with benefits but we knew and so did our friends that we were more, I craved your presence more than I craved life, for the first time I felt okay I unmasked I was away from home away from harm intimacy never came so easy the nightmares faded the hallucinations calmed restless nights were no more breakdowns and digging into my skin no longer happened I wasn't alone, I was with someone who finally cared who understood who loved but all of that was gone the moment I went home, you gave up got bored never even tried confessing explaining you went to her, no longer was I needed, now I lay restless now the fear back now nights once so warm and loving are cold and harsh I can hold the stuffie with your shirt as much as I like but I'll never feel your heat your stronger arms wrapped around me when I shiver there's nothing pulling me into loving warmth nothing keeping me grounded, now I have to deal with the nightmares alone scared in my dark room I once more have to comfort myself like I always have, I thought this time would be different but you were gone before I could blink before I could whisper how much I truly love you, not how you thought but truly romantically I never could describe this embrace to you I could never truly show, we said I love you countless times, I wish I could've seen you meant it the way I did I wish you would've held onto me a little longer a little tighter till I gained the courage to say I love you. I said it but far too late now I see you with her knowing she doesn't love you, you know it too she never loves anybody longer than a breath before bored I wish you never left I wish things were back to normal now I cant look at you because now all I see is my failure my cowardice the person I lost and I could've lost you again on that track I know you weren't trying to get hurt but would you have been afraid the same or would you have not thought twice, I know now I could leave it all behind and you wouldn't blink an eye because you left everything without a thought without a word.

maybe I will.

maybe I should let go now I'm no use for you its clear you didn't want me romantically sexually and now platonically.

ill never be able to leave as easy, but maybe one day you will miss me too.