late nights and ripped sheets

tw mentions of sex. self sabotaging actions stemming from rape, mentions of death.

That day the one I cant forget I mentioned him.. told you that vulnerable part I couldn't ever admit to another person how it weighed on my soul and heart I felt stupid worthless how could my rapist my abuser my beloved ex boyfriend be so caring to others while I was used in the worst way.

you didn't yell you didn't mock or laugh nor did you call me stupid you watched me cry heard my voice crack and you moved forward cutting away at the distance between us to hold me in your arms on your bed in that stupid ripped sheet I always mocked you for I hid my face in your lower stomach caving in on myself on my soul I couldn't bare..

but you cupped my face your words so sweet so soft "oh baby no.." were the words you cooed so soft it sounded like a lullaby you smiled down at me looking into my tear filled eyes as if it were the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. you ruffled my blue hair lovingly the strands smelled like your soap I always smelled like you back then.

maybe its because I truly was yours before I even realized it before I realized I had liked you, I wish I would have known. as I rambled on just a babbling mess you shook your head making me repeat affirmations after you making me look you in the eye so I wouldn't spiral.. oh how you knew me..

those jokes you made in the mans expense turned into an entire skit I cant forget laying my head on your lap hiding my smile behind my hand eyes scrunched up tears dried face red.. you were ridiculous what a dork John Cena obama trump as the announcer in this fictional ring against him even jesus and dionysus taking swings it was so out of pocket and deliberate I forgot all about it I went from sobbing to uncontrollably laughing..

I cant forget that night though my mind tries to erase my memories more and more I desperately hold onto this one I cant lose this one not the way I lost you.

your touch was always so loving even when it was rough even when I was pinned unable to speak or make any sounds but the ones of intimacy. no matter what you did or said in those moments it was always so caring and diligent I adored it adored you that cold night on your birthday when we walked to the tracks I still have those pictures of us of me wearing your jacket I still remember sitting together my hands in yours shivering and nervous.

I remember how we left the park in fear after seeing that shadow that figure I remember how shaken up we both were so we sat on your bed and cuddled up talking throughout the night sharing stories related to what we saw joking of ghosts and spirits talking of our own theories. talking about the dead never made me feel oh so alive. running from potential danger never made me feel so safe before then.

how could I love another knowing it wouldn't compare to you for a moment I never felt worthy of love of safety after him I sobbed gave up sexualized myself despite being ace flux in relationships but with you I didn't have to I didn't have to say yes I didn't have to initiate anything intimate to get you to hold me to look at me to talk to me you already did, you loved me romantically not just sexually I wish I would've known I was more than an fwb with you too,

you cared so much its been a while since you left the pain is gone the tension is gone the absolute betrayal I feel is gone it hurts yes but not for what you did when you left but for what you did when you were here for what we had and somehow these beautiful nights burden my mind more than the agonizing words you confessed after you left.

beauty truly is pain but if so I would take all of it just to see the beauty of your love once more just to feel your kiss hear your whispered sweet nothings to shower with you once more to hold you again this time a little longer I'd do anything for it even if It meant leaving everything behind even if I had to sexualize myself again even if you hated me so much you killed me I'd be glad to know I was on your mind and your gaze and hands would be on me for a last time how badly I yearn just for your presence the simple love we had I wish it could happen just once more.