godlike recklessness

tw, talks of reckless behavior. cursing, smoking, stealing, ect

my reason for living to most would be described in a simple word.

cowardice

spending most of my years silent avoiding people, conflict, responsibility, harm.

I hid from it all too afraid that if I stopped for a second to think more on the world, to step out of hiding that maybe I'd drown in it, drown in more fear, more worry, more responsibility I wasn't ready for, more of the life I despised and didn't understand.

how would I ever understand what life was, I couldn't see it for what it was when I hid, blinded by poverty, loneliness, the instability of not only where I lived, but the instability of those around, yelling, ignoring others, harsh words, and even harsher judgement.

the fear of making things worse, fueled me to be a scared soul until I snapped fully, over the summer leaving another home going to a new school. something changed in me in the process, I stepped foot onto campus silent, to myself like always I didn't plan on speaking unless spoken to, ignoring bullies like I always had, not making friends not speaking.

those first 2 weeks were silently calm people stared but never spoke, I was happy, someone approached me however, mocking, harsh, homophobic, claimed I should end my life if I was so emo, I intended to ignore to be silent I told myself not to engage, I didnt want problems I wouldn't live here in a year.

but instead I whirled around to face him, twice my size grinning like a smug b***h, I couldn't hold back from calling him just that, for once i couldn't hold down that painful bubbling hatred in my gut, and in a second my silent streak was over, reputation as some quiet loner, just an anomaly to stare at was in ruins, I expected worse but he stumbled over his words and left, looking as shocked as I felt.

then on I couldn't contain anything else. protected my friends from throwing things back at people who threw them first, cussing people out even mid cass, I didn't back down anymore when they got in my face I got in theirs. when one boy put his hands on me hitting on me like a joke harassing me I threw his feet out from under him more times than necessary, it scared me at first but as it went on it no longer did.

I stopped hiding, I became more reckless broke into places I shouldnt have, stole things I wanted, did things with others, smoked, talked back walked through school and town as if nothing could touch me because then I felt like it couldn't. i felt like a god and I thought I was one, I did reckless things ran across the street jumped off high ledges danced along them mocked anyone who warned me to slow down I didn't fear death, how could I. for the first time i felt free.

then people who knew me described my view on life as dangerous, but some said ambitious.

after more trauma I mellowed out. didn't hide but wasnt as loud, not so blinded by a god complex now realized mortality is precious and unbeatable.