The First Birth

A story of the first birth, translated in English for the first time.

 

Woman: HELP ME!

Man: What’s wrong, what’s going on? Has the swelling gotten worse dear?

Woman: It popped!

Man: Popped? This is all my fault. I knew that eventually you would fill up. We really should have found a different recreational activity…

Woman: Shut up and grab my hand!

Man: Why, does it hurt?

Woman: I’m splitting in two you idiot!

Man: Right, of course.

Woman: Arghh!

Man: Honey please, you’re squeezing too hard.

Woman: ARGHH!

Man: No dear, that would be harder! I’ll just take my hand back now. Oh, you’re in pain, what should I do?

Woman: What’s going on down there? What do you see?

Man: A lot of warm liquid.

Woman: Well, make sure it’s not poisonous.

Man: Are you saying I should?

Woman: Yes you imbecile.

Man: All right…, well its stale, other than that nothing to report here.

Woman: How do we make the pain stop?

Man: Maybe you should hold your breath. That makes hiccups go away.

Woman: All right, I’ll give it a try.

Man: …hmm….oh dear! Wake up honey! This is not good, not good at all. Maybe if I slap her…oh good she’s awake.

Woman: What happened?

Man: Um, remember when I hit you with that large piece of wood?

Woman: No…

Man: Oh, good.

Woman: Did the swelling go down?

Man: No, I think it is getting worse. There seems to be a large tear where the old one was.

Woman: The one I was born with?

Man: Yes that one…oh no! What in the land is that?

Woman: What is it? What do you see?

Man: I don’t know. It’s some kind of tiny lump with fingers…

Woman: Could it be a hand?

Man: Oh, yes of course a hand…A HAND! Did you eat a hairless chimp?

Woman: Of course I didn’t. Get it out of me.

Man: How do you suppose I do that? The hand is covered in this moist filmy goop.

Woman: Just get it out of me!

Man: If you say so. Oh, gross…this is the worst. It smells too! Wait, there’s more then just a hand. It just keeps coming. Did you swallow it whole? I told you to chew; you saw what happened to me crapping out an entire clump of mud. But this, this is far worse.

Woman: Just keep pulling will you!

Man: Fine, fine. You know you’re not pretty like this. After this, I might have to go ape. They say once you go ape you never go back. Oh my goodness, it has a head, and eyes and stuff. Almost got it out….there! Whoa!

Woman: What? What is it?

Man: There’s like a tube coming from it to you.

Woman: What does that mean?

Man: It can only be one thing, a parasite…

Woman: It’s been feeding off of me this whole time? Why did it come out on its own?

Man: I think it finished its early stages. Now it’s ready to leech off of you on the outside.

Woman: What should we do?

Man: We have to cut it off from the source. This will hurt you more then it will hurt me.

Woman: You don’t say…OUCH!

Man: Sorry, I missed. You don’t need that anyway…

Woman: You’re right; it’s not as if I can do physical labor as it is…OUCH!

Man: Okay, I got it. So…what do you want to do with it?

Woman: Well, we’ve always wanted a pet.

Man: A pet? We barely have any clothing, how do you suppose we can support a pet?

Woman: Hey, what’s it doing? Why is it sucking on me like that?

Man: You see, it leeches off you still! I will stop it.

Woman: No, don’t, it kind of tickles…

Man: Fine, have it your way… We’ll keep it I guess.

 

And so ends the first tale of birth...thus beginning the first tale of divorce.