1. The Storm

Thank you for the great suggestions! The first paragraphs have been revised.

Isaac had been driving for hours, chasing the storm's dark clouds and fierce winds. He navigated a path that avoided toppled trees, smashed-in roofs and flooded streets. At times he barely escaped the destruction, but he was determined to stay one step ahead of the tempest. He drove his truck around the sweeping curves of the countryside, and as he rounded a bend in the road, he saw the enormous black cloud spinning in a whirlpool of destruction. The tornado was barreling down on a small town like a freight train with no brakes, and all he could do was watch helplessly as it bore down on its unsuspecting victims.

Isaac knew he had to act fast. He pulled his truck to the side of the road and jumped out, grabbing his gear as he went. He sprinted towards the edge of the town, feeling the wind pick up as the tornado approached. He could hear the deafening roar of the storm, and he knew that if he didn't act quickly, the entire town would be destroyed.

Isaac spotted a group of people huddled together in a small convenience store, their faces filled with terror. He ran towards them, shouting over the noise of the storm. "You have to get out of here! Come with me if you want to live!" 

Fear rippled through the crowd, as the stranger warned of imminent danger. "We have to go now!" Isaac shouted desperately, pointing towards the large glass windows. "The tornado is coming! It will rip this place apart! Look around you and see what will happen if you stay," he implored, his gaze meeting a woman's in the corner holding her young child tight to her chest.

Isaac was reminded of himself when he was a young boy, terrified and lost in the wake of a tornado that had destroyed his home. He remembered the fear he had felt when there seemed to be no hope left and how it took all of his courage just to survive. 

Now, as Isaac watched the woman with her child, he knew that he could make a difference in their lives. He grabbed her arm and motioned for everyone to follow him outside. He led them out of the building, shielding them from flying debris as they ran towards an old farmhouse at the edge of town. Once inside, everyone huddled together in fear as the tornado roared outside. The windows shook and the walls vibrated as debris flew around them. Isaac comforted those near him and reassured them that they would make it out alive.

Finally, after what felt like hours, the tornado passed. They all emerged from the farmhouse shaken but alive. Isaac had saved their lives.

Isaac looked around at the still frightened faces, feeling a warmth in his heart as he realized that he had made a difference in these people's lives. As the group slowly dispersed afterwards, thanking him for his bravery, Isaac knew that this moment would stay with him forever - a reminder that even when darkness seems insurmountable, light can still be found within us all if we are brave enough to look for it.

Author's Note

I'm still learning so any advice or tips to improve are welcome.

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

You asked for advice so here is my best: always start your stories in media res, (in the middle of things). Modern readers will not wade through a Cooperish 50 page introduction, so dive right in.

Do not tell the story; show the story.
An example from your opening.

“Isaac knew he was too close. The rotating wall cloud had begun to drop a spinning finger, a few more seconds and the tornado would be fully formed. Last storm season, three storm chasers got too close and had been killed near El Reno, Oklahoma; he didn’t want to add his name as a fourth. He turned the ignition key and the 400 cubic inch Mercury engine roared to life.”

Here, you have introduced name and occupation but done both in the middle of the action and created the suspense of “now what”, is he too close, will he make it?

You build the backstory within the action, or later as reflections on life.

Hope that helps.

Winston

[Abram Heron]

This is an amazing suggestion! I had heard ‘show not tell’ before but your example is priceless. I plan to rewrite this, once I figure out how to do it:)

[W. Barrett Munn]

I will let you in on a secret; re-writing, as many times as it takes, is what makes writing “good”.
Compare your stories to great stories. If they aren’t as good, you are not finished.

The ability to self-criticize your own work-dispassionately-is key.

[Abram Heron]

Superb advice! I am so glad I posted here:)

[Cherrie]

Your story has many good elements. I enjoyed reading it. Most writers and editors. Will tell you the first draft is the author telling the story to himself.
Reader's want to forget about their own life and fall into the life of your character.
You need to add smell, texture, and tension.
Most important- thing to remember is reader's give you about a 1/2 page to capture their imagination. Never start a story with monolog. Instead of telling the story like you would to a friend. Think of it as a movie you are watching in your head and try to capture it as it unfolds. Mix dialog - backdrop and monolog.
Telling allows you to move the story quickly. Showing involves the reader and dialog makes the human connection. Then dress the sitting and characters. giving weight to your world.

[Cherrie]

I spent 30 years in Oklahoma and like you know about 🌪 tornadoes all to well. Many people are clueless. Slow your story down and give some riveting details about your storm.

[Abram Heron]

Thank you so much for this advice. Yes, I guess I am writing the first draft. Getting the story out of my head has proved challenging. I've imagined so many scenes that I now have the general outline mostly complete. After the draft I plan to go back and review the scenes again and write them down as I imagine them, thanks for this suggestion.

[Cherrie]

I really liked chapter 3. You have an entertaining story it just needs more layers. Think about a writer you enjoy reading and read several of that writer's first page. Then examine your own and build from there.

[Abram Heron]

This is a great suggestion. Thanks again.

[Cherrie]

Much more engaging.

[Abram Heron]

thanks for the help

[Cherrie]

Anytime. :)