A dreamer’s cur(s)e

This poem is inspired by the short story "White Nights" (Fyodor Dostoyevski). It's a mix of my own experiences which somehow really fit into the story of White Nights and the story itself.

I promised myself I would never fall again.

I promised myself I would never wait for anyone.

So why does my heart fill itself with joy,

Why do I find myself waiting to hear from you each day when I know I shouldn't?

My mind starts to load my whole body with anger when I think of you getting with another, when I realize that I broke the promise I once made to you and us.

I find myself each night, contemplating whether I should stay awake until sunrise to keep hearing your sweet voice, to keep getting happier with each moment, each split second I spend with you or if I should tuck myself into bed, so I can see you in my dreams, feel your touch, your lips kissing mine.

Why, oh why do I spend time looking at my reflection competing with your past livers, reflecting on what you would cherish and what you would despise about me.

Oh, how blind you are!

Can you not see the spark in my eyes each time we see each other?

How do you not notice the corners of my mouth forming a smile even when I don't want them to?

I broke our promise, dearest, the one thing you asked me not to do.

But how can one control one’s feelings?

Am I at fault for not being able to resist your beauty, your soul?

I know if I told you, you would blame me, my darling.

That's why my feelings will stay locked up, the case of my love buried in the darkest depths of my heart, forever.

This all, the pain, the sadness, is worth it a million times to pay the price of our friendship.

If my misery is what it costs for you to keep your joyful, loving emanation, then I would choose to be miserable in every single lifetime as long as it leads me to meeting you.

Author's Note

this is not perfect, i wrote it in under 20 mins, so don't be too harsh on me :)
(also some of the things might not fit into the story of the dreamer since my experiences shaped it as well)