Heinrich Whiffensniffle vs. Dr. Bad

Another ridiculous story I first sent as a 27-part text message to one of my friends.

    So, the other day, I decided to go for a walk. I had wanted to wear my emerald necklace but sadly could not find it. I left my bungalow and was walking down the boulevard when I spotted my local mailman, Larry Wilkins. "What do you have for me today, Larry?" I asked. He looked worried. "Well, you may not like it..." he trailed off as he handed me a large manila envelope. I opened it curiously and found a letter. It read:
    "Dear Heinrich Whiffensniffle, it may interest you to know that I have taken your wife captive on my secret lair in the south pacific. If you do not meet me here in the next 24 hours, she will be done away with. You knew this day would come. Bring no one. The clock is ticking. Sincerely,
Dr. Bad."

     After I had finished reading, I gasped in horror. My dearest Beatrice had been taken prisoner by my arch enemy, Dr. Bad! I had no choice but to hasten to his secret hideout where he would no doubt be waiting for me.
     I got on the next plane to the south pacific and landed that evening on a beautiful beach with an ominous volcano in the center which was studded with turrets and security cameras. This could only be the work of a man appropriately titled "Dr. Bad". I made my way through the thick rainforest. My worry began to mount. What if I did not reach my beloved Beatrice in time? What horrible unmentionable things could the evil doctor have in store for me? Would I make it back to my idyllic bungalow alive and see my friendly mailman and other neighborhood characters again?

     I choked back the tears and sprang out of the vegetation. Before me was what seemed to be a cave opening. I entered it with caution, brandishing a sturdy wooden spear I'd crafted on the plane ride. The cave was dark and moist. I quickly made a makeshift torch from bat dung and my own hair and lit it with the flint and steel I always carried. Now able to see, I turned a corner and found an enormous cavern, approximately the size of Nova Scotia, with a massive opening above as to let the sun's rays in. Inside this vast space, which was carpeted with a lush evergreen forest, seemed to be an entirely separate ecosystem from the one on the other side of the cave. And there, sitting unconscious in a steel barred cage, which hung hundreds of feet above the forest floor by a rope which went up into the inestimable heights of the cavern, was my dear Beatrice. I wept for joy.
    "Do you like it?" said a nasally voice behind me. I whirled around to see the smirking visage of my rival, Dr. Bad!
    "What is this place?" I whispered slowly. His smug smile grew as he surveyed his domain.
    "It is the breeding ground for the largest butterfly flock ever to exist. Soon they will be released from this place and join with the world's already existing butterflies in spreading joy. Before long, everyone will be joyful. So joyful, in fact, that they will choose me to be their dictator and I will rule over all! Muahahahahahaha!"
    He proceeded to laugh his evil laugh for an interminably long period of time until I said quietly but fiercely, "You are a monster. I wont let you get away with this!"
    "Oh but you will!" he cackled, pulling out a small red button. "Either you surrender to me now or your lovely lady gets it." He placed his finger on the button.
    "Very well," I sighed, "I give up. Let her go."
    He pressed the button. "Muahahahahaha! I tricked you!"
    The cage holding my Beatrice flew up into the air and out of sight above. That was the last I saw of her. In rage, I took some of the beef jerky I had in my pocket and flung it into the forested expanse in front of me. Then I realized: All butterflies despise beef jerky. I watched as every one of them died and with them died the joy they brought to this place. The trees began to rot and die before my eyes and a low rumbling echoed through the volcano. I ran back through the cave as Dr. Bad let out a yell of anguish. I stumbled to the beach and looked over my shoulder. The entire volcano sank into the ocean, with my nefarious adversary inside.
    I caught the next plane back to Tampa Bay from the island. As I sat in my chair (first class, of course), I looked down in sorrow. Then I realized, lo and behold, I had been wearing my emerald necklace all along! What a humorous little mistake. I chuckled lightly to myself.

Author's Note

Yeah...

Reviews

[SR Urie]

Hiya Alan,
Good story, man; but you left a few wholes to fill. Why did the heroine (Beatrice) have to die? What happened to her? Did she get divied up by the insanely ravenous bats, or used as an evening meal to nearby cannibals? And how did your hero manage to climb aboard a jetliner, first class no less, from the disappearing beach? Is he Barbara Eden's illegitimate son who merely has to wiggle his nose and miracle his butt onto the plane, or is he Ahhnohld's costar with most of some movie studio watching his every move; is he that handsome and debonaire???

Excellent write, my friend. You just have to finish it after figuring out a realistic ending. You're on your way, sir! BZ

[J Fra]

hahaha i like it! Very interesting and fun!

[Rissa Bird]

Adorable and very imaginitive! I laughed the whole time I was reading :)