through all of this, i am painfully reminded of you

just a snippet from my book

they’ve made me a monster…they’ve taken my soul. And for what? They expect me to survive. I have very well done this, but I’m rotting, I know I always have.

They weaved lies for me--their arts are very skilled, very delicate. But I hungered for those lies nonetheless. So, they fed and fed, and I ate greedily. I am ashamed to admit the things I have done, yes, but it feels so very fake. Deep down I do not pity, I do not thirst for truth.

They built this cage but I myself have walked in and locked it.

 

They are all gone. They tricked me, yes. I have been so foolishly deceived I have no one to blame but myself. I must tell you, I will strip myself bare and become vulnerable to you, because this is the end. Not of my life, no, but of it. This weapon we all desire to bear and use against ourselves, against heaven and everything under its wings.

It’s the end of everything else good and whole. 

 

And through all of this, I am painfully reminded of you.

 

I’ll tell you now. I walk by the sea again; you must know that this was a dead mistake and habit to bring back up. The same restless whispering I felt in my youth is dragging me back down again. It wants to take me--and this time I do not so easily turn my cheek far from it. I may give in very soon, but there is yet a small part of me that wants to hold on. I don’t trust it, I don’t trust myself. But the sea. 

Yes, the sea and me, it will just be us in the end. We will always be there.

This will be comforting but it will also be my deepest hell.