The world according to Sir David Attenborough

Good evening everyone.
Sir David Attenborough here.
Today, we will present in vivid colour
predators in the wild.
So let’s get into it shall we.

Behind me a big crocodile is swallowing whole
a woman in a two piece bikini. This is rare indeed.
Probably the first time a woman in a two piece
has been deep throated.
If you listen carefully, she is trying to escape
and is crying for help
Excuse me for a minute as I reply.
Hello, my name is Sir David Attenborough.
We cannot help you as we are doing a documentary here
not a rescue mission.
She is nodding, she understands.
Nice bikini though!
Sorry about that and now the croc is going into a death roll
and in a minute or two the crocodile will let out
a big burp which suggests she has been swallowed
and it’s all over. Thank goodness!

Our next segment shows a a big white shark
ripping to shreds a surfer in a wet suit
obviously mistaken for a seal.
Now if you look closely a leg has been ripped off
with blood spurting in all directions and he’s crying out for help.
Excuse me for a moment while I reply.
Hello I’m Sir David Attenborough and we are unable
to assist you. To intervene would upset the balance
of nature causing the whole food chain
to be thrown in disarray upsetting the ratio
of predator to fallen victims. He understands and waves Goodbye!

Moving onto our last segment,
we see our camera man taken by a lioness and her cubs
and eaten alive.
Sorry Peter, we can’t help you however, we are getting
some nice angle shots. Although, can you keep still please. That’s it!
Perfect shot!
We will pass on your regards to your family
and how you fought so gallantly to the very end.
Well done you.

And there you have it, predators in the wild
keeping the population of humans to a bare minimum.
Jolly good I say!
I’m Sir David Attenborough and it’s goodnight from me.
Where’s the sound engineer?

Reviews

[Ken Simm.]

Ha, I love it. The humour, the satire. Everything.

[andrew mitchell]

Thank you Ken I’m glad someone sees the humour.