In winter dusk

In lonely winter dusk I see,
Little a girl of small sobbing,
Sitting saw such fantasy,
What If she’d some for shopping?

What if she had a trifle?
Of cookies in much adore,
If there be a hill,
With rooms full of gold galore,

Merry she’d be much,
If all her roofs had so stars,
Of she’d gaze or touch,
And took dreams to morning showers,

Grains would then her feed,
Amongst with them best,
Every tickle, a new breed,
Would be held upon the desk,

But, in lonely winter dusk I see,
Little a girl of small sobbing,
Sitting saw such fantasy,
Why she had none for shopping?
----------- Amar laksh

Reviews

[DrD]

Amar, one of the great things about this forum is the system itself. When we see 24 visits and no reviews, we should also see a red flag. Sometimes it's good to finish a poem and read it aloud and then ask yourself, "So what?" So what if she didn't have any money? Billions of people don't. What if she could have some? Then she could buy something. The element of something profound, forcing readers into thoughts they never explored is demanded in our work. Please think about it and don't feel like I'm your antagonist. I simply want you to do your best.

[amarlaksh]

well again shukriya( HINDI) for your review sir but i did not understand why is it not intriguing enough ?

[DrD]

प्रभाव
What are you making us feel or think?

[amarlaksh]

I am telling you to imagine that little girl with no food, no money nothing. Now i am imagining her having all these amenities and then at last i tell you the cold hard fact...ending with a question.....why she does not have anything?

[DrD]

Okay, why?

[amarlaksh]

Why??? cause its a question worth pondering upon. I see these stories daily on the road passing among them

[DrD]

Then write about the cause, not the affect. That's where the drama is and the ability of everyone to relate to it. But that's just me and in the end it's yur work.

[amarlaksh]

no, you ARE right, absolutely correct! thank you sir...but still i will not edit it instead another one would be ready for your review sir.

[Pragya Saxena]

So This is the question I ask everyday when I am walking on the streets!!
A big cause... The sadness of these children affect many hearts! :(
I just wish someday we all would be equal :)

[de_maruf]

fine

[Zacnethen]

amazing poem

[amarlaksh]

thanks for the review

[Coyote Poetry]

You are a storyteller from the old school. Giving a lesson in the poetry you write. The story of the small girl is very good. Allow the reader to feel her joy and then her disappointment. Many kind of Poet's. Each of us write in our own style and thought. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[amarlaksh]

Thank you for your honest review

[hogan]

Unusual play on words to tell a basic, but fundamental truth of our world, like this in a different way. Have to read your work slowly.

[amarlaksh]

thanks for your precise review

[hogan]

See DrD has given you a serious review, all I will say is that sometimes on here people are drawn to a title and if it does not meet their expectations they will not review, a bit later a different audience may latch onto the work and suddenly the piece you thought mediocre, or poor becomes rated and gives pleasure to the readers.

[amarlaksh]

yes true

[Ohhhwillow]

I disagree with the previous comment I think that anything is worth writing and thinking about, nice format and use of rhetorical questions!

[emmy bon]

nice... but you didn't expressed it well, need to work on the arrangement, the rhythm well done keep writing.