Safe from harm

an Essay addition to MomzillaNC's blog "The Children Are Watching"

I read MomzillaNC's blog entitled “The Children Are Watching…” and I felt tears sting my eyes. I could not help but relate her words to my own personal situation. No matter how many times my counselor tells me to forgive myself for living seven years with my two young girls in an abusive and unhealthy relationship, two of them in an ill-fated in-home separation, I just can't. I have said my piece to my kids and asked for forgiveness, as much as I can in the midst of negotiating a divorce and realizing they are, after all, still children, and my ex is still their dad.  I am trying to make amends, undo the damage, and get counseling for all of us. It is a hard lesson to learn, going back and forgiving the old you, while undoing the damage that yesterday caused for your today.

I remember early on, when my husband would scream at me and break things, and I would sit and cry and try to breast feed my newborn, blocking him out, I would sing to her and tell her I am sorry. This would prompt even greater rage from my husband, who wasn't getting whatever it was he felt he needed out of the altercation. I learned to shut up, to draw inward, and to be silent in the face of madness. By default, I am afraid, I taught my girls the very same thing. On the rare occasions I spoke up for myself, it turned ugly. Again, not exactly the example I wanted to set for my girls. 

More than once I thought to myself, if he saw a man treating our daughters the way he treated me, he would be furious. He would actually sit and watch shows on tv that depicted abusive men, criticize them, and never see himself.

My children and myself were pawns in an on again, off again volatile relationship, filled with broken promises and lies. I think my breaking point was a day when he screamed in the faces of both girls, who were huddled in a chair, telling them that everything bad he ever did was MY fault.

By no means am I saying I am perfect. I have faltered again and again, losing my temper, giving up, crying ... it's the fall out from the hell we all lived in. It wasn't good for any of us, including their father.   I am trying to work through all that with my girls and with professional help.

I pray every day that my girls don't grow up to marry a man like their father. I pray that the mom they more remember is the strong one who kept them safe and clothed, and going to school. 

I pray that I can, in later life, explain to them there were many things I did wrong, but I tried as best I could to right them.

And I pray, mostly, that if you get yourself into an abusive relationship, you get yourself out of it sooner rather than later, remembering that our children are always watching and learning from us, and we need to teach them that sometimes, to leave is better than to stay, in order to save ourselves and our loved ones from irreparable harm.

Reviews

[NoelHC]

I am sure that putting this up for all on here to see must be painful, even though you keep your "out there" and in here disconnected.
Hopefully others facing similar abuse will see this and maybe see a way to move beyond it themselves.
Heartfelt, KL.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you I appreciate it.

[MomzillaNC]

KL, I hope lots of parents out there are reached by your essay.

[Lyn Anderson]

I hope so too, thank you.

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

An open, honest and brave post. Many people are abused and it is not just men who are abusers. I have been subjected to torture by one partner. Life is complicated and we all tghink we are responsible for the way our children turn out when in reality it is a mixture of nature nurture and circumstances.

[Lyn Anderson]

I agree. I know many men who had the same issues.

[MomzillaNC]

I too have known a couple of men who were on the receiving end of the abuse. I also knew a guy who spent years trying to gain custody of his children when he split from his very disturbed wife. It wasn't until his youngest was hospitalized yet again and his ex was found to suffer from Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. He finally got custody, though courts said the issue would be revisited annually while the ex underwent therapy. He left he country with his three kids.