Mommy

A Poem by Alli

Bipolar

They call it rough love
                Tough love
                Never get enough-love
They say true love hurts
So you must love me to the dirt
Because you hurt me
Like it's your
Responsibility.

Claws ejected
Fangs and thorns are resurrected
Eyes burn with fire

And you call yourself domesticated
                You f*****g liar.

Liar, Liar
You stole the wire
And hooked it up to my desire.
You turned it on
Then threw me down
Because you'd just LOVE
To see me drown.

I didn't ask for this
I didn't fast for this
I didn't cry for this
But now I see
I'll surely die for this.

Tonight I'm engraving myself
                I'm saving myself
Tonight I'm cutting myself
                I'm gutting myself
                Of all the lies of love
                And beauty above
                I was too gullible to believe.
[Stupid girl, you should have known better!]

I love you
[I'm lying to you]
You love me
[You're lying too]

Stop it with these adjectives!
                Failure
                Worthless
                F**k up
Do I just sound pathetic?
Because I'm so sym-pathetic
I'm so em-pathetic
Sometimes I'm even a-pathetic,
But in the end
Am I just plain-pathetic?

Because I'm trying so hard to go get it
When you won't let it
           Go.

I'm chasing after it
I'm breaking through the window of opportunity
You locked me out of.
But in the end you only see
Shattered glass on the floor
You don't even care to see
The broken ME
To whom you Swore
You'd never leave
                I can't believe
                You left.

You metamorphosed
Your head and shoulders knees and toes
Have now become a feral beast
Where the wild things live, thrive and grow.

Sometimes I wish you were
An alcoholic
So I could blame all this
On a drunken haze

Sometimes I wish you'd die
So I could escape
This fucked up phase.

Sometimes I wish you'd beat me up
So you'd see bruises
On your lucid days.
                                Maybe then you'd learn
                                And Maybe then you'd heal your craze.

Sometimes when you're screaming
And sometimes when you're hurting me
[Or is it loving me?
I still can't figure that out.]
I cower away
And start driving down the tunnel
My vision's become
Because I want to see if heavens worth it
I want to see what's waiting
If I make it through this earthen bit.

But then I get afraid
And drive away
With nothing more than a few
Gaping scars
Escaping my present
Shaping my future
Making up my past
                With the makeup you gave me
                When I didn't know how to apply it
                                [Maybe I'll just defy it!]

Foundation to cover the bruises
Some lipstick to cover the cracks in my smile
And never forget
A little eye shadow to Overshadow my tears
If only for a little while.

Look at me now mommy!
                Am I pretty enough yet?
                Am I thin enough yet?
                Am I good enough yet?
                Am I Perfect enough yet?
                                No. Never.
But mommy!
I severed
My imperfections
I'll never be that clear cut reflection
Of yourself
You wanted me to be.
Can't you see?
I can't be more than f*****g ME!

Look at me Mommy!
Because of you I am now
Scarred in all the wrong places.

But I sit and take your accusations
F**k your unrealistic expectations.

And as I wait for dust to settle
I sit here picking f*****g petals
                You love me
                You hate me
                You love me
                You hate me
                                Because you always take me down
                                Because you always make me up
                                Because you always break me down
                                Because you always shake me up;
Until I'm lying on the floor
Begging for perfection
Fearing your rejection

And I paralyze my grip
And sterilize my lips
And hypnotize my hips
                To dance to the time of yours
                So that maybe you'll accept me

But you won't
You can't
Because to you
I'm Nobody.