Coffin Big Enough For you and me

This is a old poem for the good people that worry that bad things will happen to them for no reason. Do enjoy.

I told you before we died
I wasn't telling lies
They will build a coffin
Big enough
For just you and me
Our bodies will lie
side by side
tightly tied

So they did bury us
Ten feet underground
Empty space, so small
We couldn't move around
I knew
We would be buried together
Trapped together
We couldn't get out
I hoped we could survive
Being buried alive

But the ropes were so tight
We could not be set free
We slowly suffered underground, you see
Desperate for air
Desperate to escape
From the coffin we shared
Every minute we couldn't bare

Dreading it
That our life's were going to end
Our lungs were suffocating

Death, why does it after to be this way 
We tried
We could not get any air
Side by side we lie
We closed our eyes
Fast a sleep we went

Then I felt I had lost something
My body, I had left
My soul now hand in hand
With him I suffered with
We walked away
And disappeared into the beam of light

Reviews

[Thomas W Case]

This one grips like dirt in your lungs—claustrophobic, brutal, but heartbreakingly intimate.
I like how even in the suffocating dark, you let the soul reach out, find its hand, and step into light.

[Rosie C]

Thank you, Thomas. x

It was a pleasure to read and take in your response.

[Snickers]

I agree with the gothic feeling, but isn't it suicide? Anyways I liked this it was nice.

[David W Moore III]

I agree with the gothic feel. Not sure I understand the buried alive thing, but the ending was beautiful. The imagery throughout was intense.

[MiidniightSoul]

It's a really dark poem. You captured so many emotions in those lines. It's also beautifully written and the pain in the poem seems so real, so unbearable. I like it.

[NCSsworld]

A lovely dark gothic peace of writting

[Skye Fields]

Very good, very gothic. Makes me shudder to apply this to MY life! Great subject matter; it's refreshing to see something so dark and original.

While your rhyme scheme is for the most part effective, there are some places where you force it. Like "Fast a sleep we went." No one talks like this, and besides, this line doesn't rhyme with anything in the first place, so you can confidently change it. And not just to "We went fast asleep," but preferably something that conveys a more vivid image.

The same applies to "Every minute we couldn't bare." This rhymes with the line above it, but it's phrased so awkwardly that it jarred me out of the poem for a moment.

"Our lungs were suffocating," seems redundant to me. Can't you just say, "We were suffocating"?

The last stanza is a beautiful image, but phrased weird. I had to read it a couple times to understand. "With him I suffered with" is what threw me off the most. It might be more effective to say "My soul hand in hand with his." Also, you put a comma after "light" instead of a period.

This is deliciously creepy and close to finished.

Best,

Skye

[Poetic Beauty]

the flow is different but the expression of this poem comes out shouting loud and clearly. Overall this is a great write.

[KatiePie]

The flow of this poem was very unique and your expression of emotions is clear and vivid in this, a wonderful write, and a beautiful piece.
-Cathrine

[Paul Okeke]

wow...really enjoy the style of this poem...bring out the pain of a life in side a coffin...very sure all life someday might visit the coffin