My cycle of being

Just as the name states, simple.

I visited a dark place. I visited too many times it ended up being my escape. I almost belonged there. I almost found comfort in it.  I always come back from it, but always end up going back.

For so many days, I stay strong, I convince myself I should be happy, I deny.. many things. Then one day in the middle, it hits me, hard.

Then that day lasts for a couple more days. Those couple more days feel like forever. 

Then I cry my eyes out until it feels okay. Until I feel nothing at all. Until I cry all my emotions out. Until I'm basically numb.

Then that deludes me into thinking that I am fine now, when I know I will end up needing my escape. My wake up call, my slap on the cheek sort of reality, that all in all I need to find some sort of way to build this faith in myself, faith that's so strong I won't end up needing an escape. When my now becomes my escape at the same time.

When I reach that level of serenity that it'd feel like I won't have anything to lose. I want to become fearless. I want it to feel okay, I want it to not hurt, I want to get rid of everything and everyone making me helpless.

I do not need anybody. I am okay on my own.