Snow

Snow

by Rhonda B.

Snow falls quietly on the ground

The sky is foggy with all those snow clouds

The snow is a blanket across the country side

I try to go on the swing in the backyard, but it's all white and icy

The snow plow comes and interups the quiet

The snow flies off the road as he's plowing it

As the snow plow leaves, a squirrel comes down a tree

The snow flakes turn into big snow flakes

I decide to go into the house because I'm getting cold

As I watch the snow fall outside from the sliding glass door, I have a warm cup of hot chocolate by the fire

Watching the snow is amazing

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

The one problem that I have with this piece is the constant repetition of the word "snow"...it becomes boring and monotonous. Suppose you were not to use it so many times? You might have a tightly structured verse like this...I'm only removing the repetition and adding a word here or there.

"Snow falls quietly on the ground

The sky is foggy with all those clouds

A blanket lay across the countryside

I try to swing in the backyard, but it's white and icy

The plow comes and interrupts the quiet
Bright dust flies off the road as he's plowing it

As he leaves, a squirrel comes down a tree

The flakes turn big
I decide to go into the house because I'm getting cold

As I watch the snow fall outside from the sliding glass door, I have a cup of hot chocolate by the fire

Watching the snow is amazing



© 2009 Rhonda
Those are my suggestions to tighten the structure. You don't need to say the hot chocolate is "warm" because you've already told us it's "hot". I hope this helps you with your writing and you are not offended by my review. I care deeply about the written word and I'm always trying to edit and improve my own work as well.

[deeps]

Awe! This write warms the heart.
You wrote this well at least I think so.