21/07/20--

the year is left because sometimes old feelings resurface, so I await their recurrence

The water is rising,
It was at my ankles,
I could cope, even at my knees,
I could cope.
Now it's by my neck.
The temperature, not hot,
Not cold, not neither.
It's the grasp. Firm.
The push. Heavy.
I can't cope. Not this high,
Not when I can't breathe,
Not when I can't shout,
I can't call out.

The paralysis starts.
At first it's just numb.
It feels weird to move.
But I can do it.
It increases, debilitates, holds back.
First my head won't lift,
Then my legs curl up.
Then Freeze.
My core feels empty.
My arms wrap around me,
Embraced and unmoved.
I can't move, my will has gone.
My eyes shut, still.

The hatred boils,
At no-one outside,
Directed only inside,
Every word I say, wrong,
Every breath, too loud,
Every tear, pathetic,
Every ounce of pain, deserved.
No happiness owed,
Just hatred to the self.