Truth of a grandfather

inspired by a ride home from school

A silent car ride

a blank stare throught the window

you see the pain in my eyes

life is full of disapointmenst

truth you speak

 

You've had more life

more doubt

more joy

more love

more hate then I

 

Why is thid ride taking so long?

the road just keeps getting longer

tears crash to my hands

I wanna hide

just give up

 

What's wrong with me?

...absolutly nothing

truth spoken with out words

you see perfection

a grandaughter

 

Rare moments I'll miss

you've almost beaten this game

i have only just begun

why is life so bitter sweet?

 

 

Reviews

[Orlando Murcia]

I 've written poems about my Grandfather and even before he died.
I feel good knowing that I wasn't the only one writing about my Grandfather.

Great job!

Orlando M

[Owlecks]

aww. Did your grand pappy read this? Dont give up

[Roger Ferguson II]

^_^ i like it ash
glad you started poems

[I.R.]

I loved the first two lines (although, I'm assuming threw is supposed to be through); they were creating such an intimate tone.

Then, you started using too many abstracts such as love, hate, etc. Instead of telling us how you felt in that car ride, show us through images. Show us how he shows that he loves you or that he is irreplaceable; it can be a certain feature of his face or the way he smells (there is a scene in "The Parent Trap" where the British twin says her grandfather always smells of tobacco and peppermint; that said a lot without actually telling us a lot). As you are driving, how is the weather outside? You can make a parallel or contrast the outside with that special moment inside the car.

Also, don't try to sound too different: that guy for me smiles>> the syntax is so weird, not even another person uses syntax like that. If you want to write in a different voice, pay attention to how people speak and emulate their mannerisms. Don't use convoluted syntax; it makes the poem sound odd.

Hope this helped.