A letter to my best friend.

This is a real letter to my best friend.

Dear Claire

I’ve decided to write this letter to you because I have to get this off my chest. You are a brilliant young lady, you are the best writer I know, and I know for a fact that you will excel in anything it is you set your mind to. You are the most beautiful and kind-hearted person I’ve ever met, and it was really nice getting to know you and be one of your best friends for the past few years. However, we can’t be best friends anymore, because I can’t endure being hurt anymore. I don’t think anyone in this world has ever hurt me like you have�"not even Emily, not even Hannah�"because they were my friends, but I never gave them what I gave you, I never did for them what I did for you. I thought this friendship would last, I tried to make it last, I have endured so much for this friendship and it recently dawned on me after Unit One results that you could give a less f**k. You killed me, Claire. You drained the life out of me. You had me crying at 3 a.m. wondering if I was a good best friend. And then I realized that I was the best version of myself before I met you. I was exceptionally smart, I loved to cook, and most of all I enjoyed life. I am the kind of person that would rather sit alone than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me. I love being alone because I don't care about having friends. I have the people that care about me the most and that is my family. So when I became friends with you in Form 3 it was because I enjoyed your presence. I was there for you when your whole friend group broke up with you�"I was there, nobody else, me. Then we became friends with Madison, my arch nemesis and one of the people that I hate the most, but I never said anything because you knew what she did�"I told you�"and I was being a good friend because a good friend doesn’t dictate a person's social life. So I endured Madison, and when we stopped being friends with her I was relieved and I thought, okay, maybe I’ll be enough for you. Well, turns out I wasn’t, and we became friends with another person that hurt me and used me…Sophie. And also, just so you know, up to that point, Grace had never spoken to me about anything besides copying down my homework and notes. You knew this, but I did the right thing. I endured again. And when we stopped being friends with them I was like, this is it�"I’ll be enough now. Turns out I wasn’t. Instead, you went ahead and joined or formed�"I have no idea�"a whole friend group in 5M while I spoke to nobody and made friends with nobody in my class, because you don’t like the people in my class. Then you asked me to come into a class where I knew no one besides you, where we weren’t even allowed to go into other people’s class, which gave me terrible anxiety. But I endured because I always feared�"or maybe I knew�"that you would choose them over me. But I wanted to be a good friend. I never wanted to make you choose between two people�"that’s toxic. I think this is the one thing that I would endure over and over again because I got to meet some of the best friends ever. Except for Brooke, who used to use me like a slave to go fill her water, order her food, pick up her food, do henna for her�"and I couldn’t even say no because what if the group threw me out? And she didn’t even pay me. She used me like a slave. She saw all the things I did for you and decided I needed to do it for her�"and you never stood up for me. No, you were busy talking and laughing. Do you know how that felt, Claire, when I came into your class delivering your food to you and saw you sit next to someone else? I only get to see you during lunch and recess and you choose to spend that time with your other friends. Do you know what I sacrificed coming into your class during lunch? Because I wanted to spend time with you�"the time you’re supposed to make acquaintances with people in class�"I didn’t. So I always ended up in a group for SBA with Shelly and Jason, who don’t quite like me. But I did it for you and I never said anything. Every birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, end of term�"just randomly�"I would bring a gift or something for you. And it might not sound like a lot to you, but I don’t think you understand the reality of how poor I am. Claire, I have second-hand underwear and bras, and recently we had to count coins to buy groceries. So I don’t have extra money to buy anything for myself, much less you. So do you know where I got the money to buy things for you? I saved the money I got for lunch. I starved and sacrificed just so I could buy that butterfly necklace or the top from Tobago and the yin and yang bracelet. I can’t buy a bouquet of peonies, so I made a huge bouquet for you. I cut hundreds of napkins in four pieces, dyed them pink, put them to dry, and made flowers. That took me a month to make. I did this while also going to school and having labs and homework and lessons. But I did it to make you happy because seeing you happy was all I wanted. The headpiece thing�"I only had one and you wanted one, so I gave it to you. And I don’t want anything extravagant from you. I don’t want a million dollars. But it’s crazy how the only time you’ve ever given me something was when we went to see that movie. Every time when school opened�"“I forgot to bring your gift, I’ll bring it tomorrow”�"but tomorrow never came and you thought I forgot. Claire, I try to give you everything that I never had. No one has ever given me a flower. I have never received a flower. I have never had someone give a meaningful present. No one knows me enough to give me a present that I would like. So that’s why I paid attention to what little things you liked and wanted. Just remember�"it’s easy for a rich person to buy something. They spend money all the time; it means nothing to them. But for a dirt-poor person to save money for months to buy you a present is real love. And I’m sorry that I can’t drive you around or buy you expensive things, but I try my best with the things I’ve been given. I think what hurt the most is after I’ve done all of this, for my 18th birthday you sent me the driest happy birthday message I have ever received in my entire life. I swear to God, people on Insta had better happy birthday messages. And even worse�"after all this sacrifice�"I don’t even get to be posted up on your story. You posted up Olivia and everybody else for goodness’ sake, Claire. And the next day you posted up another person. And that's when I broke up with you�"in my head I started to grieve our friendship. And when I was asking you how your day was constantly, I was trying to find a reason to still hold on to the love that I have for you. However, I realized if I didn’t stop I wouldn’t make it. And I’m so angry at myself for becoming so emotionally attached to you. I think my biggest regret in life was becoming friends with you in the first place. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. However, I don't feel appreciated in this friendship. Do you know how much it hurts to ask your best friend to come over to her house and she says no�"which you understand�"and then you see her having sleepovers with another friend? It’s why I stopped asking. Sometimes I think I should’ve remained friends with Emily because at least she had time to call me. I have never begged to go out for anyone besides you. Do you know the repercussions I have to face from my parents after going out with you guys? And you know what�"turns out they were right. Friends suck balls. Well, I guess this is goodbye. I hope we never speak to each other again and I don’t think we will. But for the last time I want you to look around your room and see the flowers that I made you, the clothes that I bought you, the jewelry that I gave you, and the things I crocheted for you. When I leave your life it will be the last time I ever order your doubles and bring it to you, the last time I ever make flowers for you, the last time I ever cook for you, and the last time I say I love you. When I look around my room I find no traces of you because you added nothing to my life besides tremendous pain. And I don’t want anything I gave you back�"I bought them for you�"and also you won’t ever see me again so you won’t be able to give me it back. I really had hoped we could work this through but then I saw your inability to apologize for anything. Even when I began to tell you how I felt you shut me down. I’ve included some money to compensate you for anything that you might’ve bought or given to me like a water or a Coke or a donut because I don’t want you going around saying I took things from you and didn’t give you it back like Sarah with the book. Also, you can keep Pride and Prejudice�"I don’t want it back. I also misplaced a pink hairclip you gave me�"the compensation is included. I hope it is enough. It was nice knowing you. I got to be a masochist for a while. I hope you and Chad continue to have a prosperous relationship and by no means do I hate you. I still hope that you achieve everything you want and I hope that your life blooms just not in my garden.

Farewell

Jane doe

Author's Note