The Day I Chose Myself

I feel as though this poem requires no description for it is self-explanatory. However, I do hope that this poem encourages others who share this experience to choose yourself, as I have.

The Day I Chose Myself

I hate the control you have over me

The way I see a post on your Instagram with another friend

That sends me into a spiral of jealousy

Of hate, of longing 

Hopes that you my best friend would talk to me

Would appreciate me

Would text me

Call me

Why do you do this to me?

I say to myself over and over and over again

Why is it that the thought of you consumes my head

When I say to myself, I’ve gotten over it

But I haven’t

I find different ways to cope

To try and make it out of this tunnel

That I have so clearly built for myself

There is no light at the end of my tunnel 

Not yet at least 

Dark times are ahead 

I don’t know if I am prepared

For, how am I to pretend to be your friend

To keep the peace among our other friends

How am I to pretend that your ignorance and intentions do not gut me

I give and I give

And I give some more

I thought you of all would be like that no more

You saw and I told the tales of all those companions before 

Who betrayed, and used that person you now ignore

What have I done to deserve this?

I ask

But God in his vengeful ways will never answer

To my cries and my grovels 

To take away the pain and the suffering that has plagued my psyche

Why do I sit behind this dark window of doom disguised as entertainment,

Scrolling away my pain in hopes that it could one day be fixed.

I scroll and I scroll and the day passed by before I know it 

It’s tomorrow time

I hate you

But I love you

And I must let you go

For if I do not, I may not survive this winter snow. 

-Jane doe