This Is The Longest Thing I’ve Ever Wrote & I’m Sorry

A Poem by Alexandra

In the silence
I hear his voice telling me to start thinking about myself otherwise these things will keep happening
It’s been three years since I’ve met you and you still make so much sense
Austin would probably tell me to lighten up and that things could be worse than what they are
“You are a lotus, remember that?”
While holding me
And we were done three months ago at that time
But, he always knew the right things to say when he saw me sad in film class
There was nothing that got him more upset when I didn’t talk or lifted a hand to reply to our dear friend Sandy
But, how could you when the person you love the most turns around and says, “this isn’t working anymore. I need time to myself. I love you” and shuts the door
Austin was that person.

And it’s three years later
Contemplating in a cafe
Rewinding the tape
You sound both alike even if you would rather not
And it shows that these things only happen to people like me
The people that can’t wait
Or the people that rather have now than then
It happens to the people that love to hard for their kind
And I hear Wendy, “you need to stop being so dependent on others. Where is yourself, Alexandra!”
And I’m crashing in this awfully green sofa
I’m always crashing
This is just the design I was meant to be in
Either awfully happy or awfully sad
No in between
Just that alone

And Austin’s right, if I want to break out of this cycle
I need to be the change
And Wendy’s right
I need to be by myself
And Diego’s right
This relationship isn’t what I want either
I’m not in denial anymore

I’ve been pushed and shoved to hard by you
I’ve been lied
I’ve bled to be by your side
I’ve been ruptured by your awful sarcasm
And you don’t take care of yourself
You’ve never had
You can live and breathe in your own hell
And maybe the only reason I love you is because you saw me when no one else was
And maybe the only reason I’m holding on is for your sweet nephews and to see the fireworks on New Years and to make love on air mattresses in Elizabeth

But our relationship was based on faith and love
Our love is more than I have ever felt in anyone
It echoes through corridors when we walk through them
It burns when we make love
And it churns within us when we argue
Because our love is hurt
It hurts to see us like this
Because our love knows best
it’s screeching
Can you hear it?