Putting Wallpaper

This is a wound that will never heal. I wrote this to Adult Mom- Sorry I Was Sorry.

Today I sold our car
In the middle of the deal
I started withdrawing
My grandfather took my hand so my trembles would stop
He looked at me and said,” It’ll all be over soon. Now you won’t have anything to do with him anymore”
Pa, if only you knew how much I wish it was true.
I let him consume parts of me.
I can’t even bring myself to go out with another male unless it’s my ex.
I wish people stopped messaging me about my new car and how my body is still on your EP.
Aren’t you upset?
Aren’t you happy?
Im all kind of colors of emotions.
I break face and I place my hands over me.
My grandfather holds me in the middle of the drive like I’m five and we’re in the middle of the shoe store again and I lost my way through the aisles.
“ Did you take your medicine yet, you can’t keep withdrawing like this?”

Withdraw is slipping through glass edges
Your body is frail & your mind crunches like paper balls during mindless tasks
I wish I could text you and tell you how much I hate my new self.
I let it be.
Austin tells me if it isn’t simple or honest, it doesn’t matter.
Maybe that’s why we talk everyday and he rises me up.
I wonder when he’ll grow tired of dragging me off the floor.

“No one likes him, Alex. Me and your friends have been telling you for years”
I smile faintly at the idea and look at your floor
Im back in the dealership
Im taking all the stuff from our old car into my new car
I touch the edges
The backseat
The middle compartment of all our old cigarettes and lighters
A thing for your guitar
“If I don’t want anything, can I just leave it here?”
“Sure, it’ll go in the trash”
I sit in the seat for the last time.
I can hear you laugh and grab my hand, “ You did it again, Alexandra. Always surprising me.”


I drove off.
We were buried in the Toyota Customer Service Parking Lot today.
I wish you would come back home.
But, there’s nothing here anymore.