Moving Forward

There is something that has been rattling these bones since October 17th. A complete month of terrified, motionless conversations with myself in the mirror. Days of complete solace, scratching the floor and running around to people’s places to find entertainment in the slightest ways. Unable to get to work, calling out day after day to just try to destress myself a little more.The density in my head weighed so much, I couldn’t stand. The hours I spent in my bed wondering what to do now. The amount of times, I wanted to take my car to Massachusetts and forget about the eventual or when I’ll hear from you again. It all ended in my car last night when I decided to come to terms with everything while driving to work. I took my first set of meds all together and things shifted. I sat down with my coworker at 1 AM and just laid it all out. Every ounce of misery and despair, and it felt like it just wasn’t emotional enough. Is this losing faith? Is this disassociating myself from the truth? I couldn’t help, but feel the will to cry and incapable to. I gave my last tears today driving down the 1&9 at the bullshit argument we just had. I gave up the idea of fighting a losing fight I guess. It’s time to grow up. The bitterness, the subliminal messages, the provoking tones and the idea of hating one another is overloading. I’m tired of playing games. I’m losing too much weight everyday. I can’t eat the same. My cognitive motivation isn’t there. And if this isn’t what you want, then it isn’t what I want either. I’m okay, because everyone is asking these days. I’m just trying to move forward.