We Fucked Up

I knew what was happening the moment you decided to run away and packed your s**t up into a book bag. You walked down the creaking steps of Guilden Street and said you’d be back for the rest. That night I looked at the mirror and wondered if my ex was worth all this heat and I came to terms it wasn’t. So when you returned, I asked if we could have a moment to talk and you looked me right in the eye and said it’s not going to be the same after this anymore. So you grabbed the Vans we bought together and a couple sweatshirts and went into an unknown car with unknown people. Turns out that was the night you got kissed by some girl you chose to follow back the other day. And even when we made up, you still ended up sleeping with her in your room. Call it what you might say, but I found proof the other week we were officially back together. So maybe it’s been distasteful the idea that you did it out of spite, but you also liked her picture the other week. And it’s up to God at this point whether or not the roulette will strike me next. I went down to Avon and sat by Austin in the sand to tell him my worst nightmares. To think me and you could’ve been together a whole summer ago and spared me the bullshit of a year it’s been. He laughs aggressively and asks the wrong question. I grow so angry and I saw your eyes in his eyes for a split moment. We both knew what happened. I had forgotten to take my meds today and I deeply regret it. I digressed, he held my hand and told me to set a reminder so I won’t forget again. This is us. You are you. I am and will forever be alone at this point, because I have to catch up to last summer’s bullshit and wonder why you kept it all a secret. I just wish I never found out three months later in the coldest day of September when I opened your MacBook. And god bless Stephanie for picking up my call at 5 AM. Because there was nothing in this world that could’ve killed me more than that night in my car sobbing at the idea that you were with someone else and I never knew and probably would’ve never found out. Nothing was the same and it never will be again.