Sense of Self (2018-2019)

I ran down the stairs of Newell’s 216
Ready to bask in the fresh air of Spring 2018
I indulged in all kinds of subjects
Went home to find you in my room
Asleep still at 11 AM

Undressed and basked in your warmth
Looked at your rise and fall in your chest
“I love you, Amo”
There was not a doubt at that time
I’d wake up to your shifting of the sheets
To find you on your phone

One eye open
Wrong.
Who is it?
Wrong.
All my insecurities rose
We weren’t going to make it for another five months

I almost killed myself in October
To the imaginary sound of your breathes
I only wanted to make things right
So why couldn’t you just listen?
Why was I always placed in bad faith?

Arguments grew numb
We would sit for dinner
No conversation
Just stares
Our relationship was so broken
There weren’t even words to express
Only bruises on the body

So I don’t blame you for hitting me
But, I wish you didn’t run around screaming “ SHE WAS OFF HER MEDS!”
Because I was never on meds
Until you packed your s**t & left
Begging for four hundred dollars
That you needed for a tattoo in Brooklyn

I hope someone is your saving grace

I ran down the stairs of 333 Washington Avenue
And my heart is full
Full of love and genuine desire for another
I won’t find you in the bed frame anymore
Fernando awaits in open arms
And I’ll be okay
Because this love is better than any other
There are no bruises
No arguments
No empty conversations
Just me & him
Rising & Falling together
Into 2019