Nobody's Place

I walked as far as I'd ever walked before,
Heading toward the castle ruins.
The sunlight shon bright and far away,
It's warmth hardly grazing my skin.

The grass crunched beneath my feet,
As I walked in the morning frost.
A blanket of fog surrounded me
And the little I could see.
Wild flowers stood despite the cold,
They woke up to see the sun.
It's faded light just reached their hands,
But not enough to dry the rain.

I stared upon the stoney walls,
And heard the sound of war.
Now fading with the years that's passed,
Everything now still.
Yet here this crumbled castle stands,
Broken but alive.

Author's Note

Leave a review and let me know what u think! X

Reviews

[DoormanDan]

Overall, this isn't bad, but it could definitely be better. To start off with the good (you have a lot of this, don't worry), I like the atmosphere you were trying to create with this. It could be more prominent in the piece, but the way it is right now, I can definitely feel it. Secondly is your usage of devices. Even short poems can be monotonous is not written well, but you kept this piece from becoming boring. I could visualize the setting you've created.

Onto some of the things that need work. Firstly, there are a few lines that, although not horrible, are a bit clunky (i.e. The sunlight shonE bright and far away). With this line (by the way, the word shon is missing the e), it's good until the last two words. Far away is clunky in how it is used here, and detracts from the impact of the rest of the line. Lastly, I recommend perhaps rewriting the line "And the little I could see." as it's a fragmented line. That line should serve as a smooth transition into the next four lines, and it needs to avoid being clunky in order to do so.

That's it for the pointers. Overall, you've done a decent job with this piece. It has a lot of potential, and some of it is already realized, but much of it is still locked away. I liked reading this piece, and would love to see this in full bloom. Just keep working at it, and eventually, you'll have something truly magical. Keep up the great effort. :)

[ayejodie]

Thanks so much for taking your time to review my work. I really do appreciate it.
I will most definitely take you words on board!
My style of writing thrives on feeling, more so than getting it visually pleasing and completely correct. I feel a feeling and I am so inspired to write it down and turn it into something 'artistic' shall we say.
I created this poem 'clunky' to enhance the imagery of the broken castle and wounded surroundings.
I have quite an unusual style of writing! :)

Thanks again Dan! Looking forward to hearing from you again :)