The Parade

This was inspired by a lot of American teen films but mainly Cyberbully (2011) which is such a moving film.

Come in, I invite you

Just to feast for one day

Gorge yourself like the beast I know you are 

We have much to display in our parade

Beware of the different shapes and sizes

Are you sure you can handle that?

We have millions of nasty suprises

Pull on those glasses, sit back, relax.

All things dont go smoothy

Please don't sit and laugh 

Help is always needed

Let us work through the rocky patch

Then the show will come to an end

When we can rejoice

Have a big party

Raise the roof, make some noise.

Instead you'll suck it all in

A predator on the loose

Found your dark material?

Come to tighen the noose?

When the parade ends we see the real star

They've been sat there taking it all in

We long to be who they are

But not the hateful person within.

Reviews

[TLK]

There is irregularity here in every possible way. Rhyme scheme (only occasional -- not that I mind, I'm not fond of rhyming poetry), metre, imagery.

I think the last two are more important. It was not clear to me that this poem was about bullying until I read the tags, and I think this is a shame. With a bit more development of the second-person 'you' (a brave choice of perspective, by the way) you could make this much clearer so that the reader could realise this and find the poem more rewarding.

In terms of metre, the first four lines could become something like "Come in, I invite you / Just to feast for one day / Gorge yourself on human pain / Like the beast that I know you for", and it would be more readable. Currently I suffer a roadblock upon reaching the third line -- it is just immediately too unwieldy and out of synch.

What is there to construct an improved poem around? The brave choice of perspective/listener, the "found your dark material?" line, the way that the last stanza alludes to (I think) how in teenage groups bullies can be outwardly successful while inwardly being reprehensible.

A few typos: "smoothy", "dont".

[babybleu]

I wasn't intentionally rhyming if I'm honest. I didn't have any intention to make it ryhme.
But I agree that I have to work on the irregularities.
I read through the poem lots of times before posting it and I only just notice the typos when I posted it. I was kicking myself. Is there anyway I can edit it here?

Thank you for your review, I found it very helpful and it has given me a lot to think about.

[TLK]

There's a "manage writing" section at the top of the page. It pops up in multiple places.

[Gobinder Singh Dhindsa]

Well done.. I like it.
Pen On.. Do u read mine 2 Time, Why etc.
Regards,
Lucky

[J.J. NIGHTINGALE]

Saw this in the line up ... Sorry I do not understand at all..

[zainul]

Wonderful write.
My most favorite lines:
"We long to be who they are
But not the hateful person within."


Please fix the typos:suprises,dont,smoothy,tighen

[babybleu]

Thank you (:
I read through the poem lots of times before posting it and I only just notice the typos when I posted it. I was kicking myself. Is there anyway I can edit it here?

[zainul]

You are most welcome,dear friend.
Yes,you can edit it here.
Click on 'Manage Writing' at the top.
You will get your piece there.
Click on 'Edit' and edit your content as you like.
You can revise your content,fix typos etc.
Then save changes.
Thanks for sharing.

[babybleu]

That's great, thank you for your help!

[zainul]

We are here to enjoy sharing.
Enlighten the writers with your talent. :)

[zainul]

We are here to enjoy sharing.
Enlighten the writers with your talent. :)

[Sami Khalil]

A good one...:)
"Help is always needed

Let us work through the rocky patch

Then the show will come to an end

When we can rejoice

Have a big party."
My favorites in this write...:)

[babybleu]

Thank you (:

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure...:)

[TLK]

Why is it good, Sami? Anything you can tease out to help a new writer improve further?