It will never work even if I try my best

A man realizes they will never be what their partner wants. So their relationship is destined to fail…

You said you were disappointed by my worth
Eyes filled with condescension and no warmth
You said you didn’t like the expression I wore
So I wouldn’t be a burden to you once more
I smiled more brightly even as it felt forced
I hate how now I’m so okay with being coerced
Even when I know all I do is make things worse
When I try to say something my voice is hoarse
I hate how our relationship went off course
Now I only receive the love you just endorse
It’s pathetic how that’s my one and only source
Now I’m used to days that just feel so coarse


I was so sure but now misery has made me torn
You got rid of all the “ugly”clothes I had worn
And now I just feel like a thing meant to adorn
I can’t stop all the overflowing doubt born
If you left me would I have the right to mourn?
Should I forever be subject to your scorn?
Please don’t say you can’t stand me anymore

Does being with me just make you feel sore?
Are you distant because now I’m just a chore?
Am I someone who deserves to be ignored?Were my feelings always trash on the floor?
I tried to keep my thoughts from coming ashore
But even if I try, am I still the one you abhor?
When you are the only one I will ever adore
Please I know you want things to be like before
I’m tried of just trying to make you feel sure
Yet I’m so afraid I’ll be left begging at the door

Author's Note

Help with grammar, development, and structure please.

Reviews

[Joss Jeffrey]

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[JayG]

You need to look into the techniques of poetry that have been developed over the years. And, for the basics of Metrical poetry, I can think of none better than Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. Take a read of the excerpt, there. You'll find it filled with things about language you use daily but never noticed.

I was so impressed when I first read it that I bought copies for my kids.

That aside:

First, stanzas are like paragraphs, and indicate a change in subject or direction. A solid block of text is intimidating.

And finally, this is you talking about what matters to you, presented as a letter to someone unknown. What's in it for the reader? They're seeking to be made to feel and care, as an entertainment, not learn what's on your mind today.

So, instead of talking TO the reader, invite them in. Use the poet's superpower, that of making the reader feel the emotion you choose, by your selection and placement of words.

Another excellent book, on the basics of non-metrical poetry is Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.

[PaulAnka]

Thank you so much for reviewing my poem, and the constructive criticism. I wanted to ask if this applies to poems that are meant to be a character saying how they feel. Since this poem is supposed to show the perspective of a character from one of my stories. I’m new to poetry and I wanted to explore this medium for storytelling. Since I love storytelling but I’m more comfortable with other mediums. Thank you so much again for your well written critique

[JayG]

• “I wanted to ask if this applies to poems that are meant to be a character saying how they feel.”

You can tell the reader how you feel, if, in doing so, you remind the reader of the times they felt the same—or, make them feel as if they have.

My poem, Midnight Memories, is an example of that, in a loving way.

https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/JayGreenstein/2937928/

While Naked B***h does it in a more adversarial way.

https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/JayGreenstein/2076383/

The key is not to have it read as if it's you talking about you, in a way that doesn’t matter to the reader.

Make sense?

[PaulAnka]

Yes thank you so for your critique again. I can tell you are a very well versed writer. I apologize if I caused an inconvenience by asking for further explanation. Thank you so much!