In honor of honesty

Time to publish the truth of what i came from.

Growing up in a home where I was exposed to things no child should have to see, my innocence was washed away at a very early in life. At age 6, I knew the scent of weed all too well. I knew what the needles were for. The knowledge of these things was painful. I knew when mom started talking to walls that she wasn't herself. I would just hide. Coming from a broken home, my stomach grumbled constantly. No money spared for food in a home where drugs circled the air. The curtains were never open, in fear of incarceration and loss of the feeling. A father who constantly fought for custody, juries never believing his claims about the horrors that were taking place in that home. But when the drugs were gone... Oh when the drugs were gone for awhile, there was this amazing woman who came about. My mother in a natural form was an angel in disguise.  No one knew the struggles she faced. Unemployed, broke. divorced, full custody of 2 children, depression and anxiety that were out of control. The strength it must have taken to face the day without the weed or the drugs sometimes... To this day I still cannot decide whether she was better off high or not.. Sober was better for me, but I know well that high or stoned was better and easier for her.. But at the age of 8, all of that changed. Custody was given to my father years before. Food was always on the table, grades were high, we weren't undernourished or underweight anymore, but only saw our mother once every two weeks.. At the age of ten, I went to a dance with my mother for what would be the last time I would see her. I didn't know at the time. She wasn't herself. People noticed... I called my father that night crying that "Mommy isn't okay. I want to come home tonight." and I did. When she took me home, she handed me a white rose... She told me she couldn't believe I didn't lover her enough to stay with her that night and that she was heart broken... I had never felt worse. She left before I could say goodbye.. Two days later she overdosed and passed away.. She passed away mad at me and heart broken.. I couldn't breathe when the news broke the air between my father and I... Everything inside me hurt terribly. This unexplained pain I felt inside that 10 years later hasn't healed... But I can't even be mad. I can't ever be anything but heart broken. I could never be mad about when she was high.. It was the only time that she was okay. I haven grown to understand more and more why she felt like the world was coming down on her. Why she felt unloved and unimportant. I understand more now than ever, as I now struggle with those same feelings and emotions, while I tango with these destructive thoughts inside my mind...