pt1: fourteen

It was Summer again when Olivia came back. It was always Summer with her. Travis knew she was back, because the moving trucks were back in front of her house, her fathers car parked in the drive.

Travis was smart enough to know not to go up to Olivia's house, so instead he walked in front of it, looked for Olivia, or even her terrifying mother. He didn't see a single one of her family, nor her. 

That night Travis laid in bed, feeling dejected, alone. He snapped up, when he heard a familiar tapping on his window pane. Travis gasped when he saw Olivia's face outside. His lips formed Olivia's name, and he ripped open the window.

She hastily climbed in, and Travis took a moment to look her over. “Hi,” he breathed out, eyes wandering over her frame. “Hey,” she returned, doing the same. 

Olivia looked… different. Her long brown hair had been cut short, up to the nape of her neck, she was taller, and her eyes had become darker. She was also wearing clothes she clearly stole from her dad. Travis didn’t care about that part as much. She smiled widely, and Travis's gaze went down to that familiar gap in her front teeth. His eyes flicked back to her face, and before he knew it, her arms were around him.

 “I missed you,” she murmured into his neck, pulling back to look down at him. Travis narrowed his eyes and looked up at her. “You're so small!” she laughed, sitting down on his bed. 

Travis moved in front of her, trying to ignore the urge to side eye her. “Why didn't you write any letters.” It wasn't a question, more of a statement. Travis knew why, he just wanted- no- needed, the answer. She shrugged. “I dunno,” she said, looking down at her beat up shoes. Travis didn't miss the way she glanced up at him through her eyelashes. Travis sighed. “I wrote you every week, you know.” 

“I know,” she drawled, leaning back on his bed. Travis eyed the way her oversized shirt slipped up revealing a sliver of skin. He looked down at her, trying to commit her every feature to memory. He looked at the way her ribs jutted out from under her baggy shirt, the bags under her eyes, the way she crossed her arms over her chest, as if she was hiding from him. She stretched a muscled arm up, curling up the edges of a photo Jacob had taped up. 

“I missed you,” Travis said, sitting back on the bed until his back was at the wall. Olivia smiled, joining him. 

“I missed you too.”

“Did you get any action with any guys?” Travis wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Maybe. Couple of girls too.”

“Cool.”

“Aren’t you disgusted?”

“Am I supposed to be?”

“Most people are.”

“Well I'm not. You can hook up with whoever you want.”

“How ‘bout you? You get with anyone?”

“Not really,” Travis shrugged. “Jacob tried to set me up with some girls, but it never worked.” 

“Are you into guys?”

“I don't really have a preference for either.” 

“Then why’d it never work out?”

Travis shrugged again. Olivia sighed. “‘Cause they were never me?”

“Exactly.”

They sat in silence for a moment. “How'd you know?” Travis asked. “We didn't even hang out much.” 

Olivia shrugged. “Honestly?” she looked at him. “It was obvious as fuckkk,” she replied, dragging her words out. Travis looked down, and she ruffled his hair. 

“It's okay,” she said, her accent slurring the words slightly. Travis leaned against her shoulder. “Hmmm,” he replied. “Are you going to school with me this year?” She continued carding her fingers through Travis's hair, twisting and pulling on the strands. Her hand falls away after a while, resting gently in her lap. 

 “‘M not sure,” she replied, propping her head against Travis's.

 “I hope you do.” 

“Me too.” 

Olivia came by again the next night. “What happened to you?” Travis asked, sitting down with Olivia again. 

“My parents are gettin’ a divorce,” she shrugged. “It was all really ‘cause a’ the last move.” Travis sat silently, waiting for her to continue talking. She sighed, and looked at him with those sad eyes. They were never sad like this before. It hurt Travis to see Olivia like this. 

“My dad moved away for his job again, ‘n my mom was tired of it.” she shrugged again. “Ma took everythin’ in the divorce, ‘cept me and the house. She said our house is a piece of crap n’ I'm a soul sucker.” She looked at Travis. “‘M glad I'm back though,” she said, slipping her hand into Travis's. 

“I'm glad you're back too. I'm sorry about your parents.” 

She shrugged. She seemed fond of doing that. “It's okay. Ma was a c**t anyway.” 

Travis laughed at that. 

Olivia continued to visit Travis every night until school started. Travis was pleased to hear Olivia would be going to school with him that year. 

“I don't want you hanging out with me at school,” she said, staring Travis down. 

“Why?” he asked, bristling. 

“They're gon’ start saying nasty s**t about me. Callin’ me a lesbo n’ s**t.”

 Travis stared at her. “Why should I care?” 

Olivia laughed. “You're a good kid. I don't want you getting caught up in all this.” Travis narrowed his eyes. “Please Travis, for me,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder. Travis sighed. “For you,” he replied, looking at her. 

Olivia had grown a lot in the year they'd been apart. She'd gotten taller, her jaw and shoulders had gotten wider, and her body was slowly becoming more muscled. Compared to Olivia, Travis felt like a wimp. Olivia had been all he’d ever wanted in a girl, but Travis could love this older, more mature Olivia, even if she was on the more handsome side now. 

One day, when Jacob was visiting, Travis asked, “Am I a wimp?” 

Jacob looked at him for a moment. “Why’re you asking?”

 “‘Cause,” Travis shrugged. 

Jacob looked him over. “Iont think so.” Jacob laughed. “You're more of a twink than a wimp.” 

Travis hit Jacob's shoulder. “The f**k does that mean?!”

“Lookit yourself! You're 14 and barely 5’5, you're skinny as hell, you’re a textbook pretty boy!” 

“F**k you,” Travis sneered. 

Jacob stopped smiling. “Sorry man.” he patted Travis's shoulder, trying to keep himself from lingering. “You'll get taller.” 

“Whatever.” 

Jacob threw himself on Travis, eliciting a shout from the smaller boy. “Don't sulk,” Jacob laughed, pinning Travis under him. “Y’know I love you.” 

“Get the ever loving f**k off of me,” Travis growled, wriggling under Jacob. Jacob only laughed again, then climbed off Travis. 

Travis settled back into the couch, and pretended he didn't notice the way Jacob looked at him. 

Olivia was in Travis's room again. They were sitting together, staring at the wall of Travis's room, like they always did. 

“I love you,” Travis started. 

“I know,” Olivia replied softly. “Are you hurt?”

“Not really,” Travis looked down. “You don’t have to pretend to love me if you don’t.” 

Olivia looked at him softly. “You’re a great guy. You'll make a great boyfriend someday.” 

Travis looked up at Olivia. “That's unlikely.” 

“Why’s that?” Olivia's voice was soft, accent lost in her murmuring. 

“Because no one else is you.”

Olivia looked like she was ready to cry. “I wish I could love you like you love me.” 

“I know, but you don’t, and I won't force you to.”

“You sure you’re not hurt?” 

“I'm sure.” 

That night Travis cried himself to sleep, but he didn’t tell Olivia. He would never tell Olivia. 

When school started, Travis stuck to his promise to Olivia. He looked at her longingly, but he didn't go to talk to her. Travis pretended he didn't notice the way Jacob stiffened beside him when Olivia walked into the building.

Travis flicked his eyes from Olivia for a moment to look at Jacob. Travis really had grown taller over the summer. When he got out of school last year he was just barely 5 '5 and now he estimated he was closer to 5' 6, but he didn't compare to Jacob. 

Travis eyed Jacob warily. Jacob looked down at him and smiled. “Dumb blond,” Travis muttered, shouldering his way to his classes. 

The school year was normal until someone started spreading rumors. The rumors were about Olivia, of course. 

Travis didn't even know about the rumors until Chris told him. “You didn't know?” Chris said, leaning over the lunch table. “No,” Travis replied, shaking his head. 

“Well,” Chris leaned closer to him, “apparently Olivia tried kissing a girl in the girls locker room.”

 “Really?” Jacob asked, on Travis's other side. “Yeah,” Chris laughed, nodding his head, a stupid grin on his face. Travis's brow furrowed. 

Travis continued to worry over why he hadn't heard about this sooner on the walk home. “Hey,” Jacob said from beside him. Travis snapped his head up to meet Jacob's gaze. “I know you and Olivia are close,” Jacob started, looking down at Travis, “but you can't get upset she didn't tell you, okay?” 

Travis slowly nodded, and looked back down at his shoes. Jacob sighed beside him, and they separated. 

Travis hated the way Jacob looked down at him, hated the way Jacob looked at him with that look in his eyes. Travis wondered if that was how he looked at Olivia. 

That night Olivia appeared at his window, face bleeding. Travis was panicking. “What the f**k happened?” he asked, guiding Olivia to the bathroom. Olivia looked down at the tile. Travis sighed, and wet a washcloth. 

“Clean up your face,” he said, going out to get her a change of clothes. Travis rummaged through his drawers until he found an old pair of Jacob's clothes. 

He walked into the bathroom, and set the clothes down on the counter. He sighed, seeing Olivia not cleaning the blood off her face, and took the washcloth from her. He gently swabbed at the blood around her mouth.

 “My dad hit me,” she muttered, not meeting his eyes. Travis closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. 

“Change your shirt,” he said, setting the washcloth into the sink. Travis moved to the door, and stopped when Olivia put a hand on his shoulder. She slowly lifted her shirt, and Travis's eyes widened. 

His eyes immediately zeroed in on the bruises mottling her side, and watched her wince. “What the f**k,” he whispered. 

“He's gotten better,” she said, finishing lifting her shirt over her head. 

“Let me see your back,” Travis said, moving around her. “Olivia,” he said, fingers ghosting over her skin, “This is domestic abuse. You need to report this.” 

She spun around, eyes wide. “No, nononono.” Travis backed away. “Y’ cant tell anyone Travis, no one.” 

“Fine,” Travis huffed, “but come talk to me next time it happens.” Olivia nodded frantically, and pulled Jacob's shirt over her head.  

When Olivia left that night, Travis wanted to cry, so he curled up in bed and did. 

The next day Olivia got in a fight. Travis didn't see most of it, but he ran out of his class just in time to see three of the tenth graders ganging up on her. Travis watched in shock as one ran at her, watched in shock as she beat them up, watched in shock as they held her down, one holding her by the legs, one by the arms, and one by the hair. 

Travis knew the look Olivia had in her eyes. The look that said, ‘let me fight this battle,’ so Travis did, even though it killed him inside. 

All Travis could do was watch, as Olivia let her hair get ripped out of her scalp to free her head, so she could headbutt the boy holding her arms down. All he could do was watch, as the boy fell backwards, blood pouring down his nose. All he could do was watch, as she cracked the third boy's head against her elbow, and watch as the first one came at her from behind. 

All Travis could do was watch as Olivia, the girl he loved, fought a battle she couldn't win for kissing another girl. 

When the teachers came to lead Olivia and the three sophomores away, Travis looked for the girl Olivia had been caught with.

Her name was Katie, and her worst sin was letting a girl get beat up, because she made a move on that same girl. 

Her second worst sin was making a move on that girl in the first place. 

Her third worst sin was letting the entire school believe Olivia was the one at fault, and her fourth worst sin was letting the other members of the cheer-leading squad protect her. 

With their help, the girl Olivia had been caught with faded to a nobody, and the blame was shifted to Olivia's shoulders, and Olivia's shoulders alone. Katie felt terrible for it.

 When Travis came looking for her, she admitted to it upfront. Travis became the priest she confessed her four worst sins to, and Olivia the god she prayed to for forgiveness. 

When Travis came looking for Katie, Katie was in a science lab, worrying a cross in between her fingers. She knew her friends had done the best to cover up Katies involvement, yet still, people talked. They obviously talked too much if a boy like Travis Simmons could find her. They obviously talked too much if a boy like Travis Simmons knew exactly what she'd done. 

“I know what you did,” was all he’d said, and she’d confessed to it all. She would always confess to it all. Travis told her to apologize to Olivia, so she did. He told her to be upfront about it, so she was.

Katie suffered greatly for it, for the guilt of her god causing her to confess to being involved with Olivia, causing her to be shunned by her family and school alike. Still, Katie was happy she had come clean about it. 

Even on her deathbed many years later, her lover by her side, Katie was happy for it. 

That night Olivia came to Travis's again. He led her into the bathroom, and plugged in the electric razor his mom used to trim his hair. He sat Olivia down in the bathtub, and began shaving her scalp. In the middle of it, Travis's mother came into the bathroom, took the razor from Travis's hand, and sent her son out. 

She and Olivia talked in that bathroom for hours, even when the razor didn't whir anymore. Travis was not, nor never will be, sure what they were talking about in that bathroom. Something told him it was about him. Something told him it was about Katie. Something told him it was about the boy's clothes Olivia was wearing.

Olivia was nervously running her hand over her shorn scalp, fingers lingering on the patches where her hair had been pulled out. “Why do you love me so much?” she asked, setting her hand in her lap. 

Travis looked at her. “Do you want the short answer, or the long one?”

“Long.”

“I love you because when we were thirteen you gathered bugs from my yard and smiled brighter than anyone I'd ever seen before. I love you because your parents were controlling asses and you still tried to love them. 

“I love you because all love is a giant explosion of chemicals in your brain, which is exactly how the entire universe came into being. I love you because every time I see you more and more chemicals explode and more and more universes are born. I love you because there will never be another like you, and you’re the only one I can love like this.”

It took her a while to respond. 

“Fourteen is a terrible time to fall in love.”

“Fourteen is a terrible time to have your hair ripped out by three boys for kissing another girl.”

“Fourteen is just a plain terrible time to exist,” Olivia laughed. 

Travis laughs with her. “That too.”

Olivia hesitated for a moment. “If we were different people I think I could love you back.”

Travis raised a hand to her head, and ran his fingers through her buzzed hair. “I'd love you no matter how much you changed.”

Olivia hesitated again, then looked down. “Even if I was a guy?”

“Yeah, I think so. Would you love me if I was a girl?”

“Yeah, I think so,” was all Olivia said before she left. 

Travis continued to love Oliver even after he was a guy.