pt2: eighteen

Jacob is in love. He is undeniably, irrefutably, explicitly in love. He supposes he has been in love for a while, that the ache in his chest and terror in his stomach is a side effect of this love.

He supposes he should've known a while ago.

He supposes he was too busy fighting demons (his God and his Father) to notice.

Jacob also supposes he's a bit stupid.

Jacob lies on his bed, staring at his ceiling. He took down all of Cook's drawings after they stopped talking, his former friend and hook up now a faceless form in the halls of their high school. He sighed, and wished he could see Travis.

The knowledge that Jacob is in love with the man who was once his best friend was not a shock. Rather, it was a bitter taste in his mouth, a sting in his eyes, a sadness seeping through his flesh to pool on his skin and rot. Jacob felt a sob slip out of his mouth, tears falling down his face against his will. He burrowed his face in his pillow, let the abused thing soak up his sorrow.

God, Jacob missed Travis. His abrupt revelation of love did nothing for this feeling, this ache.

Jacob curled under his bedsheets, duvet prematurely brought out and bunched around his shoulders. Jacob shuddered, regardless of the tight heat of his blankets, and twisted his cross in between his fingers, shoving a hand over his mouth.

Jacob was tired.

His father had finally moved out, divorced his mother. Jacob did not need to carry the weight of his father's name anymore, but still he was tired.

Lottie had been working, had finally put her nursing degree to good use and gotten a job at the local hospital. "I won't have you workin' for me," she had told Jacob after the divorce was finalized and Lottie had full custody. Jacob wanted to work anyway, but his mother wouldn't allow it.

She'd taken her maiden name back, and with her name change came Jacob's. Lottie and Jacob Green, Garrett Lewinsky forgotten as best they could manage.

"F**k," Jacob hissed, wrapping his arm around his torso and kneading his shirt in between his fingers. He repeated the word once more, twice, three times, a string of curses leaving his mouth. Jacob squeezed his eyes shut, and prayed that Travis would come back.

Jacob felt sick, praying to God. He had been told that it was wrong to be gay, to love another man all his life. He had been having those ideals beat into him since he was a boy. He had been living with the weight of his sins and his fathers iron fist since he was a boy.

Jacob's gay awakening hadn't meant much to him, he had been living with the knowledge that God did not care for his creatures for a while; but this sudden realization of love did something to him, made him feel like throwing up, feel unworthy of his Heavenly Father's voyeuristic gaze.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, but Jacob and his God both knew he didn't mean it. Jacob knew he would immediately forget this hatred of himself and his kind as soon as he saw Travis again, hell, as soon as he thought of him again.

Jacob was already forgetting his bout of internalized homophobia, thoughts being rewritten with ones of Travis, of the skinny brunet curled up in his arms, of his pretty mouth whispering endless strings of iloveyou's against Jacob's ear, of his lean arms wrapping around Jacob and making everything feel right.

Jacob missed Travis. This fact was as set in stone, just as the one of his love was.

If Jacob hated Oliver, then he really hated Chloe. She was always clinging to Travis, disappearing with him after school and during classes, taking away Jacob's precious moments to see who very well could be the love of his life, if he hadn't fucked every thing up.

Jacob was sure the distance between him and Travis was because of him. He was now, at least, not that the thought would have crossed his mind when he was younger.

Jacob was right, of course, his newfound self awareness letting him see his wrongs, but it was not all his fault. He did not know this.

That night, as Jacob lay curled in bed without sleep, he went over each of his past interactions with Travis, from their hookup last summer to when they first met, trying to discern just what caused this rift between the two. Jacob knew Travis had always been distant, had been hard to love, to make love, but he still held some semblance of closeness when they were younger.

Jacob knew Travis's father had a lot to do with how withdrawn he was. His abrupt leave broke something in Travis, and Jacob knew others leaving him only furthered the crack in his heart.

Jacob sighed. He got out of bed, picked up a book Travis had given him years ago, and clutched it to his chest. If he focused, maybe he could still smell some part of Travis clinging to the cover, to the fragile pages.

"If I were a woman, loving you wouldn't be a sin," he whispers to no one, pressing his mouth to the book.

Jacob fell asleep with the book in his arms. He doesn't remember the name of it now, and he didn't particularly remember it then either.

Jacob fell asleep knowing what he did wrong, knowing that in letting himself drift from Travis after Zoe died, that he did this. Jacob blamed himself, but more than that, he blamed his God for ingraining the fear of closeness with Travis when he needed it most.

More than that, he blamed his Father for creating such an unloving and unlovable man.

When Jacob woke up, he was exhausted. His eyes were puffy and face was grim, mouth set in a firm line. Jacob sighed, splashing water on his face before taking his moms concealer out of the bathroom cabinet and spreading a little under his eyes. He blended it in with the tip of his finger, trying to keep up his usual looks for school.

Jacob hummed, content with with looks, then ran a hand through his hair. He frowned, wetting his fingertips and restyling his hair. He poked his face, sighing once more as he stalked off to his room to change. Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose, careful not to smear his concealer, then tossed a shirt and pair of pants on his bed. He picked up his phone, checked the weather, then added a flannel to that pile, wasting no time in dressing.

Jacob was always quick to get ready, anticipating Neil to come pick him up, stop for coffee on the way to pick up Chris,then to rush to school.

Neil did not say a word when Jacob climbed into his truck. Neil was normally quiet but even more so now. Jacob wondered if he detected the shift in Jacob, the affection, the hatred. Neil was always the most astute out of the three of them.

Neil parked his truck wordlessly, running into their favorite coffee store to grab drinks.

Jacob took his handed coffee, sipped from it, and stared at the window on the ride to Chris's.

Chris did not say anything when he clambered into his seat. Jacob wants to throw up.

"Did you guys know?" He asked as Neil began to drive again. Neil and Chris shared a glance in the review mirror, a look that Jacob did not miss.

"Know what?" Chris asked, playing dumb as he ate a protein bar, procured from his bottomless backpack.

"You know what," Jacob sneered, staring into his lap.

Neil sighed, gripping the steering wheel. "You have to use your words," he teased, but Jacob did not appreciate the gesture. Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose.

Jacob wanted to cry. He released a breathless gasp, dragging a hand down his face. He knows they're running out of time for this conversation. "Did you know about me and Cook?" he asked tentatively, not looking at either of his friends.

"Yes." Neil whispered.

"Did you know about me and Travis?" Jacob continues, bunching his fist up in the fabric of his flannel.

"Yes," Neil repeats.

"And?" Jacob's mind begins to spin, going over all the bad possibilities. What if they're angry? What if they hate him? What if what if what if? Jacob feels sick.

Chris shrugged in response, but Jacob didn't know that. Rather, he heard the sound of Chris's clothes rustling, of Neil talking amidst his downwards spiral, but he did not register the noise.

Jacob began crying. “Don’t you get it?” he begged, covering his eyes with his hands, too scared to see his friends reactions. Jacob jumped when Neil put a hand on his shoulder. 

“You idiot,” Neil was saying softly, reaching over to touch Jacob's shoulder. Chris was a stark contrast, laughing loudly. He leaned forward, placing his hand next to Neil's, rubbing Jacob's shoulder through his shirt.

“Jacob, you dumb a*s, we’ve known since we were kids!” Chris laughed. Neil reached over to slap the back of his head. Chris leaned over the console, pressing his head against Jacob's. Neil pulled into the school, pulling Jacob into a hug.

“How’d you know?” Jacob asked, pulling away. “I didn’t know.” 

Neil shrugged, and Chris glanced at him. “You always looked at Travis in a way that said a lot,” Chris said, gathering his things from the seat next to him.

“Oh,” Jacob murmured. 

"I'll leave you two be," Chris murmured, leaving the car with a bittersweet smile on his face.

Neil sighed, wrapping his hand around the back of Jacob's neck.“It was super obvious,” Neil said softly. “When Mikaela broke up with you, she told us everything.” 

Jacob wanted to cry again. “Why didn’t you guys saying anythin’ sooner?”

Neil looked through the window, exhaling with a huff. “We wanted to wait for you to tell us.” Neil chuckled, looking at Jacob sadly. “We didn’t expect for it to take this long."

Jacob laughed wetly, wiping his eyes. He ignored the smear of concealer on his fingers, rubbing it between his pointer and thumb. "Sorry," Jacob gasped, rubbing a hand down his face. "I don't know why I'm so emotional."

"Its okay," Neil shrugged, rubbing his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "I am too, y' know." Neil said nonchalantly.

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Emotional, or gay?" He asked skeptically.

"Both," Neil grinned.

"Chris?"

"Yeah. Chris."

"Damn."

Neil shoved him, and Jacob laughed. "At least Chris doesn't know," he teased. "At least we still talk." Jacob huffed, and gave Neil a look.

"That's a low blow."

"Sorry," Neil laughed. He looked ahead, quiet for a moment, to where Chris stood waiting for them.

"I kissed him, that night you got with Cook."

"Huh."

Neil looked at Jacob out of the corner of his eye, tightening his grip on Jacob's shoulder. "Don't tell him."

Jacob huffed, a grin on his face. "Obviously, dumb a*s."

Neil laughed, turning off the car and getting out. He clapped a waiting Chris on the shoulder, pushing the blond around. Jacob only smiled, and felt a sadness settle in his heart.

Jacob's heart was ready to stop. Hell, he was praying it would. He was shoved up against a wall by Travis, eyes wide and mouth parted, not really listening to what Travis was saying. His mind went back to that party, how the roles were reversed this time. He wanted to kiss Travis.

Jacob knew he looked at Travis too long. He knew he looked at Chloe with too much jealousy. What he didn't know was what Travis was saying to him, too transfixed on the motion of his lips, the small height difference between them, how Travis's gray eyes glimmered in the dimming light of Minnesota autumn.

When Travis was done lecturing Jacob, or whatever he had been doing, Jacob closed his eyes, rubbed a hand down his face, and wished he had kissed Travis when they were young, before Oliver, before all this.

Jacob continued to stare at Travis longingly.

The day he heard Chloe and Travis broke up was the same day he got accepted into Boston University. A couple months earlier, Jacob had gotten a call from Travis's mom. All she said was, "He applied for Boston," then a pause. "Take care of him."

Jacob had never spoken to the Missus Simmons before.

Jacob grinned, opening and rereading his acceptance letter, and grinned into his pillow. He sent a text to his mom; she was still sleeping from her night shift.

Jacob tucked the letter into his shoebox, placing it back under his bed, then pulled a book off his shelf. Jacob hadn't been reading too much, too busy moping in bed and longing for a certain snippy brunet. He selected The Picture of Dorian Grey, a book he had bought not long after his parents divorce. He still had a wide grin on his face, expression settling into a more neutral one as he began to read.

Jacob finished the book in an hour.

Jacob's life was boring now, but he was content. His grades had dropped last year, focus being on hooking up rather than on his studies, but he was getting all A's again.

Jacob sat with Chris, listening to him go on and on about his newest girlfriend. Jacob was so bored. He sighed, propping his chin up on his fist, and interrupted Chris. "I need a boyfriend."

Chris huffed, rolling his eyes. "Then get one," he spat, no harm behind his tone.

"You know i only want one person," Jacob whined, relishing in the newfound openness with his friends.

Chris groaned, slapping a hand against his face. "Just talk to him," he hissed, shoveling previously forgotten food into his mouth.

Jacob sighed, and stared out the window. The two fell silent, and Jacob felt Chris's gaze on his profile.

"There's somethin' up with Neil," Chris whispered, face falling. Jacob raised an eyebrow, turning to look at Chris. He searched his friends face, before resting his hands on the table, finger neatly interwoven.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, equally subdued. Jacob knew, of course he knew, but for the sake of his friend he would pretend he didn't. Chris leaned down, looking around as if Neil would mysteriously pop up.

"He keeps actin'… odd."

Jacob knew Chris was upset; the teen was always careful to pronounce his words unless there was something wrong. "And you know why," Chris muttered, searching Jacob's eyes. Jacob sighed, hiding from his friends accusatory gaze.

He dipped his head, and patiently waited for Chris to continue. "You're best friends," Chris finally conceded. "I know I'm not as close to you guys as you two are." Chris's voice was sad, like he was about to cry. Jacob fears Chris very well might.

I'm sorry,¨ Jacob whispered, still avoiding making eye contact with Chris.

"It's not your fault," Chris laughed wetly. "I know you won't tell, not even if I ask." He chuckled, throwing his head back. "Goddamn goody two shoes," he grumbled, not meaning the words poorly.

Jacob sighed, searching for eye contact. "What's going on with Neil is not for me to say." Jacob was reluctant, but he pressed forward. "He'll tell you when he's ready."

"I know," Chris whispers, "I jus' wish he was ready now."

Jacob says nothing. Chris does not press the topic. They climb out of the booth they were seated in and drive away in their separate cars.

Jacob comes home to find Travis in his bed, stretched out as if it is his room. Jacob jumped at the sight, entertaining the thought that this is a dream, that Travis isn't here for exactly two seconds. Jacob laughed, pressing his fist against his forehead, leaning against the doorframe for support.

“Why did you stop talking to me?” Travis said, not that Jacob really heard him. Jacob swallowed, closing his bedroom door, as if his mother was there to hear him.

“I'm not sure,” he lied, looking down.

He can hear Travis beginning to pace, twisting his clothes between his fingertips.“What was it?” He demanded. “Did they start calling you gay? A f****t?” Jacob met Travis gaze, and swallowed back a sob.

He mumbled a vague answer, walking back to his desk to rearrange the objects there, anything to avoid confrontation with the one person he ever really loved.

“You don’t talk to me for over a year and then you’re at my work every day, you’re giving me a blowjob in a closet, drunk out of your f*****g mind, telling me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't get you."

Jacob does not turn, whispering a feeble, “I missed you every day."

“Then why didn’t you talk to me? Why not say anything, when the guy I was obsessed with left? Why not talk to me the entire school year after my best friend died? Why not say anything all last summer until you cornered me in a closet?” Travis cried, searching for answers.

Jacob turned then, eyes frantic and voice even more so. “Because I was jealous, okay?!” He heard himself shout, searching Travis's eyes for a response. "Because I was just a boy and I was gay and my dad and his friends would kill me!" He bowed his head, and whispered a prayer to an unhearing God.

Jacob heard Travis begin to cry, and he slowly lifted his head.“I missed you so much,” �"Travis was covering his face with his slender fingers, and Jacob felt the urge to kiss his tears away�" “and you never once did anything but stare at me.”

Jacob sighed, pulling Travis into a hug, and winced at how Travis stiffened in his arms. "It hurt," he whispered, "It hurt so bad." He nosed into Travis's hair, lovingly, reverently, holding onto Travis for dear life.

“Imagine how bad it must hurt getting abandoned by everyone you love!” Travis cried out, pulling away to look into Jacob's eyes.

Jacob closed his eyes, inhaled slowly. “I didn't mean to hurt you,” he whispered, searching Travis's face with his mouth slightly agape. “It just hurt so bad to pretend to be your friend, to look at you completely enamored with Oliver, and then Blake, then Chloe.”

Jacob bent his head once more, as if baring his neck to an executioner.

Travis softened in Jacob's arms, and Jacob felt his heart soar at the feeling. "You were always on my mind," Travis murmured, burying his face into Jacob's neck. "Always." Travis slipped his arms around Jacob's waist, fisting the other teen's shirt in his hands.

Jacob mirrored Travis, nestling his face into Travis's neck, and the feel of their skin touching felt like coming home after years away.

“I love you,” he whispered, not lifting his head, as if he was hoping that in hiding Travis would find some way to accept him.“I always have. Since we were kids.”

Travis kissed him then, pulling Jacob's chin up to meet his gaze for a split second before their lips met. Jacob slid his hands to Travis's waist, gripping him there, wordlessly praying that Travis would not pull away, would not change his mind.

When Travis pulled back, Jacob thought for a moment that he would regret their actions, would bound off like a deer in the forest, fleeing from the smallest sign of another creature present with him.

Jacob sighed with relief when Travis fell onto Jacob's bed with a huff, bringing the sheets up to his nose, inhaling Jacob's scent. Jacob climbed behind him, pulling the blanket up to their chins, then wrapped his arms around Travis's waist. He kissed the back of Travis's neck, reveling in the warmth present.

Travis whispered "I love you," then, barely audible, barely there. He repeated the statement, and Jacob said nothing, hoping to not scare Travis.

Jacob felt a tear slip from his eye, and slipped his hand up under Travis's shirt, absorbing the warmth the contact brought.

"I love you too," Jacob whispered back, and Travis rolled over. They made eye contact, breathing in each others air, before kissing once more, slowly, reverently, as if they had all the time in the world. For once, Jacob felt that they did.

Jacob did not come out as dating Travis in school. Rather, it was a solid fact that their group was back together again, as solid as the fact that when no one was looking, Jacob would slide his arm around Travis's waist, would kiss his cheek.

Neil and Chris did not say anything, publicly, of course. The two always had something to say, whether it be about the weather, or their best friends boyfriend.

Neil always looked longingly at the affection Jacob and Travis displayed. Jacob knew why.

They did not talk about it.