pt2: nineteen

To Jacob, love was holding Travis after a long day of school, watching episodes of the Office, nudging him into eating.

Jacob did so now, stroking Travis's silky hair, looking down at him lovingly. "I dont get it," Jacob said after a while, gesturing to the computer he had propped up on a coffee table. They didn't own a TV, and Travis preferred pirating everything anyway.

"That's because you've never been funny in your life," Travis answered dryly. Jacob rolled his eyes.

"I used to be hilarious."

"Used to be," Travis enunciated, watching the TV mindlessly.

"Mm," Jacob hummed, shoving Travis playfully. "Eat your food."

"Don't wanna."

"Too bad."

Travis sighed, sitting up. He snatched his plate off the table, the food Jacob had cooked earlier now cold.

"Good boy," Jacob teased, relishing in the way Travis flushed. He had learned quickly that Travis was into praise, that if he said the right things at the right time he could make Travis flush the most perfect red.

Jacob pet Travis's hair, watching him eat. Travis looked out of him from the corner of his eyes, and muttered something that sounded akin to "Freak." Jacob chuckled, gently tugging Travis's hair back. Travis moaned around his food, and Jacob watched him swallow, swallowing down a mouthful of his own spit. Travis ran his tongue over his teeth, placing his now empty plate back down on the coffee table.

Jacob grinned, leaning forward, and pressed his mouth against Travis's. Travis kissed back, then pushed him away when Jacob began seeking access into his mouth. "No. I taste like garlic."

"I like garlic," Jacob breathed out, mouth agape and eyes clouded. Travis rolled his eyes, pushing off the couch and stalking to their shared bathroom.

The two lived in a cheap studio apartment, single bedroom and two bathroom, with a nice, furnished kitchen. The apartment itself was only partially furnished, Jacob and Travis being expected to pay for all the more expensive appliances, such as a TV, themselves.

They made it work, with Travis paying for starter things like their sheets and their first grocery haul with money from his old job. Jacob had found a job, taking the brunt of cooking and providing on his shoulders.

Jacob leaned back into the couch and sighed. Travis would probably be in the shower, evading Jacob as best he could in the shared space. Jacob hummed, staring at the ceiling. He entertained the thought of joining Travis in the shower.

He did.

"Hey, babe," Travis said as the shower curtain opened, Jacob slipping in behind him wordlessly. Travis adjusted the shower head, looking over his shoulder at Jacob.

Jacob wrapped a bare arm around Travis from behind, licking at the water on the damp skin of Travis's neck.

Travis laughed. "Did you come here to clean, or flirt?"

Jacob latched his mouth on Travis's neck, sucking on the skin, then pulled off with a pop. "Cant I do both?" He asked, voice thick with longing.

Travis hummed, leaning his head back against Jacob's shoulder. Jacob kissed him then, sliding his tongue into Travis's mouth, one of the hands previously at Travis's thin waist going to run down his stomach, over his pebbling n*****s.

Travis groaned, lifting his own hands to Jacob's hair, and began to knot his fingers in the silky strands. He pulled his mouth off Jacob, and muttered huskily, "We have school tomorrow."

Jacob huffed, but raised an eyebrow. "It's not like you were going to sleep anyway," he chuckled.

"I might've been!" Travis laughed, canting his head back and to the side to look at Jacob.

Jacob hummed, lowering his mouth to Travis's once more. Travis returned the kiss, turning around in the cramped shower to rub his bare body against Jacob's. Jacob moaned into Travis's mouth, relishing the push and pull of their skin against each other.

Jacob looked down, rubbing his thickening c**k against Travis's. He gripped them together, Travis moaning as he jerked the both of them to completion.

They cleaned up, Travis licking at the cum from Jacob's palm, and Jacob almost felt ready to go another round. He held back, choosing to wash Travis's hair and back instead.

"I love you," he said as they got out of the shower.

Travis was silent for a moment, but eventually he replied with a quiet, "I love you too."

Jacob was so happy he could die.

When Travis was young, as in eleven year old young, he told Jacob "I don't want to date anyone unless it felt like coming home when they hug me." At the time, Jacob hadn't been able to comprehend Travis's words, but as he held Travis now, he finally understood.

They were in bed, Travis nestled into Jacob's chest, just laying there before they fell asleep. "Do I feel like home?" he whispered, stroking his hand up and down Travis's bare back, absorbing the warmth of his skin.

"Yes," Travis breathed out. "Yes you do."

Jacob sighed heavily, and knew that Travis was his home too. He told Travis this.

"Good," Travis grinned maliciously, "My plan is all coming together." He lifted his head, making eye contact with Jacob.

Jacob chuckled. "And what plan is that?"

Travis sat up then, sitting on his knees to loom over Jacob. "I'm going to sacrifice you to Satan," Travis whispered seductively, head bent to hover his mouth over Jacob's.

"Maybe I'm into that," Jacob returned, looking up at Travis as if he hung all the stars in the sky.

"Good," Travis smirked. He lunged forward, tickling Jacob's sides until the blond was a crying mess.

This was what love was to Jacob. It was working after school, and cooking and cleaning, it was looking at Travis sleeping and thinking, “How could such a cruel God bless me with all this?” 

Love was letting Travis cry on him, love was the swelling feeling in his chest, the feeling of completion. To Jacob, love was murmuring, “You’re like my missing half,” and knowing Travis would mumble some reply awkwardly, hiding the flush on his face from Jacob's prying eyes.

This was both of their first times being so helplessly, truly in love, and Jacob did not know what to do than to pamper Travis, to give him a little extra food at dinner, to remind him to brush his teeth (knowing Travis often forgot to do both), to hold him after nightmares in the middle of the night.

Travis would often cry randomly, and Jacob knew college exhausted him. They were both freshmen in college, Travis pursuing a degree in psychology, and Jacob one in mythology and folklore. As such, they shared no classes together, and rarely saw each other before Travis got home.

Jacob was working himself to the bone working a part time job and caring for Travis.

"I want you to stop this," Travis told him one night.

"Stop what?" Jacob asked, immediately fearing that Travis would leave him.

Travis sighed, knowing at once the thoughts running through Jacob's head. "Babe," Travis exhaled, "I'm talking about you doing all the housework, paying all our bills, and somehow still going to college," he whispered lovingly, stroking Jacob's cheek.

Jacob closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, murmuring a quiet, "Oh." He looked down at Travis, finding the brunet already staring at him. "But-" he began, but was shushed by Travis pressing a quick peck to his mouth.

"No buts," Travis grinned. "I can take care of us too, my love."

Jacob sighed, and huffed. "Fine," he groaned, complaining purely to make Travis laugh. He pulled Travis into his arms, letting the man nuzzle into his chest, despite their similar heights.

Travis needed contact. Jacob understood this. He understood why Travis always made sure to fall asleep with Jacob's arms around him, Jacob whispering “I love you’s,” and, “I won't leave.” Jacob knew Travis needed this. He knew Travis needed love and affection more than anything, and Jacob was more than happy to give it to him. 

Jacob knew all this, but there were some things about Travis he didn't understand. He didn't understand why Travis didn't love himself more, why he would look in the mirror in disgust and poke at his skinny ribs. Jacob thought that Travis should try harder to love the things he loved, and since Jacob loved Travis, Travis should love himself too. 

Jacob knew it didn't work that way, but a man could hope.

He was in class now, dutifully taking notes as his professor droned on. He watched as a girl snuck into the lecture, child tucked to her chest and her bag looking like it was ready to fall off her thin shoulder. She caught his gaze, flashing him a grin, and made her way up to sit next to him.

"Mind if I copy off you?" she asked, rocking her sleeping baby. Jacob shrugged, sliding the computer in between the two of them.

"Thank you so much," she grinned, pulling out her own computer to type down his notes.

"No problem," Jacob returned.

They continued the lecture like this, Jacob occasionally leaning over to add to his notes.

When the lecture was over, the mystery woman stuck out her hand, grinned, and said, "Jackie." She looked down fondly at the baby she still clutched to her chest, rocking him gently. "And this is Percy." Jacob raised an eyebrow, but returned her smile and shook her hand nonetheless.

"Jacob." He looked at her son as they began to leave class, contemplating for a moment before asking, "Percy as in Percy Jackson? Or Percy Blythe Shelley?" Jackie's eyes were wide for a moment, before she laughed.

"Shelley."

"Cool."

They continued to walk together, until Jacob said, "I have to go this way, work."

"Okay," Jackie shrugged. "I need to get Percy home before he gets fussy."

Later that night, after work, Jacob dutifully ate the food Travis had made, checking to make sure Travis himself was eating. He was not. "Made a friend," Jacob eventually said when he was in the kitchen, hoping to distract Travis from the food he was heaping on a plate.

"Really?" Travis asked from a nearby room.

"Yeah. Her name's Jackie. Has a kid."

"She bring the kid to class with her?"

"He's an infant, so yeah."

"Poor girl," Travis murmured, coming into the kitchen to see Jacob holding out a plate of food. "Traitor," Travis hissed, taking the plate anyway.

"Eat," Jacob ordered, leaning against the counter. Travis huffed, mimicking Jacob and beginning to eat.

"Good boy," Jacob teased, pretending to pinch Travis's cheek.

Travis frowned, side eyeing Jacob. Jacob laughed, bumping Travis on the shoulder playfully. "You love me," he grinned, ignoring the sound of his phone ringing from his pocket.

"Sure," Travis replied skeptically, glancing at where Jacob's phone buzzed frantically in his pocket. "You gonna answer that?" He asked, raising the eyebrow with the piercing in it.

Jacob groaned dramatically, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Chris's name was on the screen.

Jacob picked up the phone, grimacing as Neil began to shout. "Slow down," he interrupted, putting the phone on speaker for Travis's benefit. "Breathe."

There was a gasp of breath on the other side of the phone.

"What happened?"

"And please try not to hyperventilate this time," Travis added, pressing his side against Jacob's as he finished his food.

Chris inhaled once more, and there was shuffling on his end of the call. "Neil and I…" he trailed off, and Jacob and Travis shared a glance.

"You what?" Travis pressed, pushing his chin onto Jacob's shoulder. Jacob looked at Travis fondly, patiently waiting for Chris to continue.

There was a muffled voice, and a dramatic groan. "What did you do, Chris?"

"I had sex with Neil," Chris eventually answered. Jacob and Travis shared a look of shock, before Travis began to laugh.

"Well it took you long enough!" He guffawed, leaning back on the counter. Jacob elbowed him gently, and Travis gasped out an exasperated "What? I'm not wrong."

Jacob pinched his nose. "While that may be true, what happened?"

Chris sighed on the end of the line, no doubt biting back a rude comment. "I was over at his apartment, y'know he has his own place now, and we were jus' playin' games y'know?" Travis and Jacob nodded. "And we started drinkin', he has these friends that hook him up with all the good things, and then we jus' did it."

"Chris," Jacob sighed, dragging a hand down his face.

"I know, I know, but it's been so long since we hung out! And he's so handsome. It's hard to say no when he looks at you all puppy dog like."

"That was stupid of you, man," Travis laughed, "but real."

"Travis," Jacob hissed. Travis shrugged, and turned away.

"We have to go, but are you gonna be OK?" Jacob asked, leaving the kitchen as Travis began to clean up.

"I'll be fine, it's just… f**k."

"Yeah. It'll be OK, just talk it out with him."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a good night bro."

"Y'too."

The call ended silently, and Jacob released a breath. "Well that's something," he muttered, sitting at the couch and pulling out his computer to get some schoolwork done.

Jackie was waiting for him the next day. She didn't have Percy with her, which Jacob found odd. "No Percy today?" he asked teasingly. Jackie shook her head no. "Dang. I like the little sucker."

Jackie fake gasped, placing a hand on her chest dramatically. "More than me?"

"Absolutely," Jacob laughed.

Jackie chuckled, but fell silent. "He's with my girlfriend."

"Cool," Jacob shrugged.

"Not cool," Jackie whispered. "She's always super overworked. She works night shifts at a local club, it can be really tolling."

Jacob pulled his computer out of his bag. "I can imagine. Does the baby sleep all day?"

"For now," Jackie responded.

"Well that's always good. Me and my boyfriend don't have kids, obviously, but Travis had a friend in high school who had a kid our sophomore year. It was awful for him."

Jackie was silent. "I just miss them."

Jacob hesitated for a moment, then put a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be okay," he said softly. "Now get your stuff out. Class is starting."

"Sir yes sir," Jackie chuckled.

In the shortest explanation possible, Jacob adopted Jackie as his friend, and vice versa. He had always been popular at school, but never the best at making new friends. The last person whose friendship he pursued was Cook, and before that, Travis.

Jackie began to visit Jacob during his work. She would often bring Percy, but when she didn't, she would sit at an open table and gossip with Jacob when he was free.

Jacob worked at a local cafe, near enough to his apartment, but far away from their college that he wouldn't run into anyone from school. Travis had made him start saving up for a motorcycle so he wouldn't have to walk so far to work.

Jacob did not pry into Jackie's home life. He did not ask how she, a lesbian (this was information she offered up herself), had a child, or what degree she was pursuing. In return, she did not ask why two eighteen year olds recently turned nineteen, were doing living alone in Boston. She did not ask why talking about Travis was off limits, or why Jacob was so touchy about his life beforehand.

It was not that Jacob wanted to keep Travis from her, but that he wanted to be sure Travis approved of Jackie first.

Needless to say he did, of course he did, but Jacob's apprehensions still remained.

Travis asked Jacob to invite Jackie over one night.

"I want you to bring your friend and her family over," Travis had said, commanded really, while they were lying in bed watching a movie.

Jacob sighed, lifting his hand to rub it down his face. "Why?"

Travis sat up, crossing his legs, and looked into Jacob's eyes. His eyes were wide, pupils dilated, and Jacob knew Travis was looking forward to this.

"I want to meet them," he shrugged, attempting to appear nonchalant.

Jacob contemplated for a moment. He could either say no and upset Travis, or agree and make Travis's day. The answer was clear, so he shrugged, and replied, "Sure, why not."

Travis settled back into his arms, nuzzling his face into Jacob's chest.

"My boyfriend wants you to come over to our apartment," Jacob told Jackie on his break from work. He had just finished dealing with a particularly nasty customer�"an old man with a MAGA hat who called him slurs for having a pride pin on his apron�", and was sitting with Jackie for a moment.

"Cool," she shrugged, continuing to type up the homework she was working on. "Give me your number, we can work on a schedule." She opened her phone, sliding it over the table.

Jacob silently programmed his number into her contacts, adding Travis's. "I put my boyfriends number in too, in case I'm busy."

"Nice," Jackie grinned, closing her laptop. "And there we go. All finished." She smirked at Jacob. The man grinned in turn.

"Do I look like a real boy papa?" he said, continuing the joke. Jackie laughed, then started packing up.

"I've gotta go, need to take care of Percy before my girlfriend has to get ready for work."

"Bye," Jacob waved. Jackie waved back, climbing out of the booth, and began to walk to wherever it was she lived. Jacob sat for a moment, inhaled, then got up.

For the first time in his nineteen years, Jacob was truly happy, so why did he feel like bad things were going to happen? Why did he feel as though his God would look down on him in his joy, and punish him for it?

Jacob felt… bad. He came home to a nice dinner, made by Travis, of course, but he didn't eat a bite. Rather, he ignored Travis's questions of "How was your day?" "How was work?" "Did she agree?", walked to their bedroom, and sat on their bed.

"Hard day?" Travis asked, kneeling in front of Jacob. He did not look up, nor did he reply. Travis hummed, beginning to unlace Jacob's boots. "Up," Travis guided, and Jacob did so. Jacob only stood there, head down and eyes downcast. "Help me out, babe," Travis whispered, searching his boyfriends face for answers, anything.

Travis sighed, taking Jacob by the wrists and lifting his arms. Travis slowly undressed Jacob, then brought him into bed. Travis pulled the blankets up around them, fighting off the autumn chill of urban Boston. Eventually, Jacob sighed, rolling over to face Travis.

"What happened?" Travis asked, bringing a hand up to stroke the hair out of Jacob's face.

"Nothing," Jacob sighed, "It's just- I cant help but feel like something bad will happen. Like God is upset at me for finally being happy."

"Oh, my love," Travis chuckled wetly. "If your God is the kind to punish you for finally being happy, for being at peace, then is He really a god you should worship?"

Jacob shook his head no as best he could.

"If God didn't want us to be happy, then why would he give us all this?" Travis continued, gesturing at their apartment, at the life they had made for themselves. Jacob closed his eyes, burrowing his face deeper into the pillow.

"Wise words for a guy that was the least emotionally intelligent out of all of us and our friends."

Travis laughed. "Puh-lease. That was always you."

Jacob chuckled, and moved into the warmth radiating from Travis's lean body. "I think you might be right."

"I'm always right."

The two were silent for a moment.

"We can cancel the dinner, if you want," Travis eventually said, running his hand up and down Jacob's arm under the blanket.

"I think that's for the best."

Travis grabbed Jacob's phone, opening it, and texting Jackie.

"What'd you tell her?"

"That you're not up for anything right now and we'll get back to her when you are."

Jacob hummed, then rolled onto his back. Travis mimicked him, stretching out his arm, and tucking it under their pillow. Jacob set his head on it, nestling into Travis's side.

Travis fell asleep not long after, and it took Jacob a while to do the same. As he waited for slumber to take him, he prayed, and as he prayed, he realized that Travis was right.

As he prayed, he knew they would be okay, and as he prayed, a sense of peace came over him, from both his God and his love.

As he prayed, he knew he was no longer that young boy in love, yet simultaneously hating himself and those around him.

That knowledge was almost worth more than any his religion had given him before. 

Author's Note

for now, this is the end of this book. Winter will be focused on Blake, assuming I can finally write his arc, and I plan to include a bonus chapter focused on Neil and Chris.