Conversation in Coffee Republic

Lost in translation�

 OK, I wouldn’t normally be in there. Looking at fake paintings of giant cups of coffee and giant smiling women in pashminas drinking frappylattychinoflatwhitedeadblacks whilst having a coffee is normally not my thing. However, I have fifteen minutes before the madness begins. A sit down out of the bitter cold of Tottenham Court Road and a hot coffee would be just perfect.

So, this ordering a coffee in Coffee Republic. I’m not going to set the scene, all Coffee Republics look the same:

Barista: “Hello”
Me: “Hello”
Barista: “What would you like, sir?”
Me: “I’ll have a capuccino, please”
Barista: “We don’t have no fresh milk”
Me: “What kind of milk do you have then?”
Barista pointing at three gallon sized containers of out of date milk on the counter: “We have this, it is not fresh”
Me: “Then I don’t want it”
Barista: “What would you like, sir?”
Me: “I’ll have a long black, please”
Barista: “We don’t have any of them”
Me: “What do you mean you don’t have them?!”
Barista: “We don’’t have them”
Me: “It’s just an espresso with a bit of hot water”
Barista: “An Americano?”
Me: “What is an Americano?”
Barista: “We have espresso”
Me: “OK, I’ll have an espresso - with a little bit of hot water”
Barista: “OK”

So the barista makes an espresso in a standard cup and puts it on the counter.

Me: “Could I have some hot water with it?”

The barista pours the espresso into the sink and gets a very tall cup and makes a murky looking drink in it.

I am perplexed and this new drink looks horrible.

Me: “I just wanted some hot water in the espresso!”

The barista pours this drink into the sink and makes another espresso.

Whilst clutching the cup, I ask for some more hot water…

Me: “Just a little bit of hot water – thanks!”
Barista: One fifty nine, please”

I hand over a ten pound note. There is no change and the barista is rummaging between coffee beans in the tip pot.

I rummage my pockets and find some coins.

Me: “Wait, I think I have the right money”
Barista: “I can’t give your money back because I put it in the till”
Me: “I can give you the exact money and then you can give the tenner back”
Barista: “No, the till is closed!”
Me: “I’d like my ten pound note back, thanks”
Barista: “OK, I’ll open the till”

The barista opens the till and returns the ten pound note. I hand over £1.59 which he eyes suspiciously.

Me: “Quits?”
Barista: “Er… OK, we quits”

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

haha, my favorite part is in the very beginning, Ive read about 4 of your pcs and im starting to notice your
ability to turn the tide of sound in your sucessive words/sentences while at the same time infusing the cool/odd way your mind works ( I mean that as a huge compliment...you dont sound like anyone Ive read lately. And I've been reading lots, youve got a firm grasp on surprise. So nice.)

this:pashminas drinking frappylattychinoflatwhitedeadblacks whilst having a coffee is normally not my thing.:)
sweeeeet.

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Thats just awesome......I love that you tried to be patient with him, while his service got worse and worse.
Never know...he might have been new, or just had a s****y day.....

[Emily B]

I'm glad to see ignorance and bad service are universal.