I shout!

This is simply a narrative of a walk I took across Clapham Common one summer. I was walking to a friends house and on reaching his front door, demanded paper and a pencil. I wrote this down in one go - hence the slightly uneven feel

 I shout!

What’s all this about?

Is this fence to keep me in,

or the trees out?

 

Barefoot on the grass

Mind the glass

Dog bark –

mind the dog!

 

Women jog

Bottoms jog

Blue sky, red kite

Very bright, alright!

 

Kite raves, air rattles

Kid battles

Dusty pit, sticky slide

Mothers' inside,

Tea and ice, 50p,

the place to be

 

Fat woman with

sticky bun

Fat bun for

sticky son

 

A child falls, bawls

Bloodsplat, kids stare

Child bawls, mother’s there

Up child, mother’s arms,

No alarm, all calm

Kids play, all okay,

‘til the end of the day.

 

Kids gone

red woman

puts bra back on

jolly pub

all hubbub

men, lager

no T-shirts

scuffle, kerfuffle

flashing light

blue, black

doppler attack

up man, long arm of the law

 

… it's alright now, lads, clear off…

 

dogs play

all ok

'til the end

of the day

Reviews

[Emily B]

I didn't read your description til after, the rhythm feels like a walk. Strolling along, thinking to yourself, observing silently, withdrawn from the action. Meaning is first and foremost. Punctuation is what you add when you've nothing else to do.

[J. Elsie]

You've got me begging for spring and sunlit blues.
The rhythm of it was brilliant as far as I'm concerned.
A friend and I have described some randomly splattered
pieces as "tumor-like" and this reminds me of that a bit.
But its something different as well. Tumor-like is scattered
thoughts, but your poem here is scattered scenes. Things
taking place, not things being imagined. We all observe, but
some take notes. We all see, but the ones who want to see
more, see the most. The rhyming and the random made me
giggle in some spots, made me shiver in others, and as I said,
leaves me begging for spring. But perhaps I'm really just begging
to be there or anywhere, a place where I might notice as much
as you do, even if takes me hours to find the 8 stanzas you found
in moments.

I agree with Emily, "Punctuation is what you add when you've nothing else to do."
She always says it best. Pisses me off. And makes me proud to be her friend. ;-)

This is a great piece, Nathan.

[Nick Erickson]

I like your unstructured rhythm, it adds to the piece. I think more writers set aside structure and go with the flow of the piece they are trying to write. Very good description of a walk through the park, the flow exactly how one would take it all in.