i go back to the fence

i flinch and fold at love

treating kindness like a loaded gun

and yet i crave it anyways.

when the arms are warm

when the door it open

i turn my face away

hissing like it burns.

but i still test the same electric fence

like a dog

snapping back with a yelp,

then trying again tomorrow,

just to make sure it still hurts.

i mistake care for danger,

attention for abandonment,

building the walls around my heart

out of assumptions and apologies

i try to go in search of life

but love, or what could be love,

slips into my paths,

and shadows me until i snap.

and i think and think and think,

what does love mean to me?

what does unconditional love mean?

what weight does it hold when it is given so freely?

what are we when love is only a question

which we don’t let ourselves find an answer to