RIP ME pt. 2

this is the second in a two piece poem collection. If you haven't done so already, please go read the first part, "Out of body experience)

I'm dressed in all black

From my head to my toes

The walk to the casket stretches out in front of me

I tune out the chorus of whispers and soft weeping

I put one black-shoed foot infant of the the other

Finally, I make it to the open casket

But I’ve shrunk to the size of a pea

I struggle to look inside

The collar of my black dress choking me

I swallow the bile rising up in my throat

And peer inside

She’s laying there

As pale as a ghost 

One cold hand atop the other

Placed across her now non beating heart

Her eyes are closed

But if they were open 

They would be brown

My eyes

Which have seen things they should not have seen

My lips

Which have said things they should not have said

My hands that have done things they should not have done

I am her

She is me

But I don’t feel grief

I don't feel pain

I don't mourn, there is no loss

Because I killed her

I don’t want to be her

And I’m so glad she’s the one in the casket 

And not me