Its empty now

Its quiet now. In my head and perhaps thats scarier than the none stop thinking, the way ive just admitted deafeat to it all to a point i cant even hear it anymore.

Its almost like im feeling myself fall apart, the way a hand held so tightly looses grip over the edge of cliff, and you plundge uncertain of when the floor will end your heart beat.

The invincible cappi, the one that feels no pain. But it was all a game really ive always been this easily hurt little child  i was just better at hiding it , but how much longer can i keep up a charade that i dont even believe in anymore.

We spend so long saying we dont care what people think, haters are gonna hate. But each and every litlte comment it slowly wears away at the silver armour we built up over the years.

I was so heartless once, not in teh sense of cold and mean to people, in the sense of i felt so free and so emotionless. Trust was my first mistake , love my second and from then on i was almost open to the battle field. Each bullet striking deeper than ever before.

The floor beneath my feet feels to be quaking , nolonger feels like such a still and certain landing. Like if i fall now it wil cave in and give way to my deepest fears.

Ill never be loved cause ill never be perfect, there will always be something wrong with me , im to difficult to be tamed provied for pleased. As a human with no connection , or no willing connection. Running away from everything that even suggests a moment of affection.

And yet, i feel so lonely i kno exactly what i need , what i want , what would keep me safe, but that means admitting i cant fight alone. That my weapons are overheating , that everythng i am is shattering.

Everything i stand for becoming my enemy tearing my mind to shreds , bleeding from the heart. Its easier to play around with things that everyone else does with sex, with love with emotions, to just tear the world apart to give yourself some sastisfaction. But its not who i am and the idea of it sickens me, i cant stand the human race there easy disragard for everyone else.

And yet tahts what i am human, im just weird apparntly just a little different. And its made out to be a bad thing that i cant just tell people to f**k off,that i care to much about people , how is that so wrong?

Im tearing away the foundations of who i am, breaking from piece to piece shattering like a glass ball dropped from a window. Each bit dancing along the pavement like some final grab at life, to fall empty and lifeless on teh pavement. Crushed under foot and tyre.

I dont think i can do this anymore, im nto strong enough to take the abuse and i cant hold the tears back.

My face wet from thought, the tears pouring with no liquid. Because i cant break to many people depend on someoen so weak so pathetic and stupid as me. But what now.. what now when im everything but nothing.

Obsessed with weight ill never loose , desperate to be perfect when everyone's views are so diferent , desperate to be something but destianed ot be nothing.

I hate me, i hate all of you for what you've done to a warrior, i felt nothing and now im crumbling so filled with emotion i cant contain.

Lashing out at everything that moves, revolted by every little movement. Ill never be what you wanted mother but ill damn be everythng you hated because its easier to give in to your harsh words..  its easier to hide from everyone.

To take a blade to my wrist and cry in a dark corner, and hope noone see's. Pull up my sleeves and smile, tap the floor a while fists crunching in anger. Ill never be ok but i can damn as hell seem it , i can lie like the rest of you i can cheat and play games and ill do it till it kills me.

TIll i break and i show you everything you've all done to me x