Can You Hear?

Can you hear it when I cry out your name in pain?

Can you hear it when my heart pounds a thousand cries all the same?

 

Can you hear it when my silence speaks louder than my words?

 

Can you hear it when depression covers me like a flock of birds?

 

Can you hear it when I ask for the love and passion I deserve?

 

Can you hear it when my tears  scream for the reserve?

 

Of love and care that I can't really feel...

Can you hear it when i bleed in a pool and kneel?

 

Well since you can't...why don't you stop and listen?

Reviews

[Poetic Beauty]

The flow of this poem is smooth until the last line. I can feel the emotion put into this poem. The word fit perfectly together. I enjoyed reading this poem in a sorrowful kind of way

[D.R. Wilsey Jr.]

There are a few things I find awkward about this piece. First things first. While repetition can be used and sometimes very effectively, it makes this piece seem drawn out. Also, you ask "Can you hear it...". But at the end you reveal you know the answer in a line that seems to break from the whole piece. It really breaks from the rhythm you initially set up with a line that seems like it was simply thrown in there to finish off the piece.

Also, I think you can have better word choice here. The "depression covers me like a flock of bird" really confuses me and, to be honest, made me laugh a little. I don't think this is the image you want to conjure. I'm sure some people will think of Hitchcock's horror than depression in this line.

I think you have a good idea here, but I believe it needs a bit of work. Look over it and work on your word choice and imagery.

[Hollywood]

Absolutly amazing. Bravo.