dear noah

I am standing just beyond the view

Of a clamoring crowd. 

My eyes don’t know why exactly they want to cry.

Am I sad, or am I furious?

Today was supposed to be a good day, 

Maybe that is why my lids are fluttering.

Today is meant to be special, and something 

That I will think back to

Decades ahead of me, 

Maybe I’m upset because I allowed myself

To be lulled into comfort.

I allowed myself to feel like one of the boys.

I’ve been shifting in the shadows for

Four years 

Expecting everything to somehow improve.

The difficult knowing that I must grasp

Is that he thinks himself a just fellow

And a kind hearted fiend.

He doesn’t see the anguish in his wake

Because i stuff it down

To keep the rest of them happy.

There is a pit 

Boiling over constantly

With the lid plastered on 

Permanently.

Armored, steel plated 

Platinum.

Who do I have to be for them?

Should I sit, or will they finally

See me if I stand?

Or if I stand, will they push me back down?

When will I be allowed to breathe?

You see me every day.

There are days where we 

Are never able to part.

We sleep a wall away, 

And we eat across the table

And you look at me

And you can’t see my face.

You look at mme

And you can’t keep your eyes on mine

My eyes are crying. 

And they don’t know why

Is it because I am full of

Unhinged rage

Over your refusal

To look at me the way

You look at everyone else?

Or is it because I am miserable

That I am never worth seeing?

I am deranged in my mind

Trying desperately 

To see myself

I am shaking in my heart

Trying to fathom

How you can see a dead man

But not a real one

I am dying

Deep down

To be strong enough

To never cry.

I am standing

Just beyond the view

Of a ravenous wolf.

My eyes never know why they’re crying

And I don’t think there’s a real answer.

Today was supposed to be a good day

But now I am holding back

A sobbing hurricane 

Five minutes before I go 

Back on stage.

When you look at me

I know what you see.

I do not have to see myself through you

To know why you

Feel such disgusting

Nothing for my life.

You see a doormat.

You see half of a world

You see a nothing 

You see a girl.

You see something

That you don’t care for

You see something

That you deserve to 

Demerit

And dispose of.

And you think yourself

A god fearing man.

But you do not fear any god.

You think yourself

A loving, faithful son

But you love nothing 

But your own ideals

When I see you,

I see a walking impossibility.

One cannot fear god

While refusing to turn the other cheek.

And one cannot love 

If you don’t like to 

Look at anything besides a mirror.

I cry, but your dam will never leak.

You have no reason for it to

Because there is nothing in your 

Mind worth crying over.

The woman you love cannot feel

And your bible doesn’t have page numbers.

You think yourself a god fearing man

While you can never be anything

But a snotty child

Waiting for cake.

I know why my eyes are crying, even if they do not. 

I know why your eyes are dry

And I know why you will never be able to look at me

And see a person deserving of empathy