Underwater

I'm new to writing for other people -- i usually write to understand myself. So this is more a stream of consciousness than anything else.

If I were to tell you how I am

If I were to actually let loose on all that's happening in my head

I would never stop

I would start with the easy, less scary things

I'm stressed about school

I'm unsure where I want to study abroad

What am I going to major in?
I'd tell you that I'm also dealing with some 'emotional instability'

You will tell me that I am strong and everything will get better and there's hope

I'm not sure where we go from there

I already told you what is wrong

You offered your condolences, your ideas, your pat on the back

But the drain on my mind is constant and if it's a drain like in a sink, you may have plugged it up for a moment, but the onrush of water spiraling down will push that away like food debris in the kitchen sink.

i know the water is there

it's the foundation of my tears, you know, water

scuba divers can dive down deep deep deep

but at some point they can't go any farther because 

one drop of water, a foot of water, on top of the body is fine

refreshing, even

but it piles on and adds up and at some point the pressure of all that water at once is so overpowering that

you can't even breathe

imagine

deep under layers of murky green-grey ocean

looking up to flickers of sunlight

looking down

and seeing endless open water

and feeling yourself being pushed down down down into those depths

even as you stare up at the ocean surface and the playful swimmers and the carefree summer sunshine

imagine

feeling yourself struggle upwards

and the pressure goes on you again

if you are scuba diving, someone helps you out

they pull you up

they don't pat your back

they don't say "there's hope"

they don't nod their head and tell you they are there for you 

no

they give you a goddamn rope

and they pull with all their strength and you hold on with whiteknuckles and blackfears

so don't look at me as i'm pushed down down down into this dark scary neverendingness

and hand me phrases

hand me a tool, a weapon

hand me a hand

and fight with me

so

when you ask how i am

and i say good

thats what my good is feeling like these days

but what IS it

am i scared of isolation

am i scared of nobody liking me

am i scared of making mistakes and f*****g up everything

deep deep down im scared that absolutely everything is wrong

the things ive done that i thought were good

were actually so bad

leadership == white, privileged, paternalistic

bold futures == detrimental, white savior complex, us vs them dichotomy

trying to help but really causing more harm

and running

i ran for so long

and it gave me meaning and friendship and role models

and fitness and health

and now

i failed at it 

i really failed

i gave up

i could have done something

"you have potential"

thats what matt said

not that im good now

but that with time i could have been

but i couldnt handle the social pressure of the team

i was so afraid

of not talking

but also of talking

thats PARALYZING

of doing the wrong thing

so doing absolutely nothing at all.

silence on runs. apologizing for not being able to hold my own. uncomfortable uncomfortable always uncomfortable. cool downs where i counted down for them to end. 

no praise from matt.

and i live on praise. you understand that, right?

i need praise to lift me up and raise me higher and keep me afloat

so i gave up my passion because i couldnt handle the social aspects of the team

this is how im telling my narrative

not that its right but not that its wrong.

and then AND THEN

what do i do with my life

"you have time"

well, yeah.

but

not really

because i need to figure it out to figure out debt

and what if everything i do is rooted in ideas of paternalism and white superiority and supremacy and i'm really just racist and awful

and like the world is a fucked up place

you see i used to see it full of really good people

but now im seeing it full of really good-meaning people

who are f*****g it all up amidst their smiles and congratulations

and what do i do with that

its existential as f**k

because climate change is ending the world

and corporations are literally ruining all the good things

and the outdoors is beautiful but its disappearing and maybe we don't deserve to even be in it and even when we are it's still privileged and messed up

and i want to run away

and leave everything

because

i cant handle all of the world problems

on my shoulders

but i feel it

i really do

even if they arent my problems i cant stand the frequency of inequality and death and hatred and awfulness

because it makes me 

feel like i should do something

but i dont want to do the wrong thing

its that

paralysis

and i dont want to dramatic

because there are those people dealing with those things

and salome says

we've had enough white tears

but doesn't my pain count too

except i have money and i have friends and i have food and i have a bed and i have all the opportunity in the world

and so 

the crux of it all

is that this is my own fault

my sadness isnt placed on me

its somehow a choice i keep making

somehow

and i try to change my choices

i really try

i decide a lot of things

i make changes

and then i revert

i can't sustain

i can't maintain

its all tied in with body image too you know

im very afraid im fat

im very convinced im fat

im very sure that that is part of why i couldnt run

im not built for exercise so i force myself anyways

if only i had toned abs

it only i could run fast fast faster

if only i was tall and beautiful

such cliches

but you know

we all believe them.

and so i take core class. and so i run. and so i try to eat better.

but mainly

i fail to reach the standards i set

and so i punish and hate myself more and more

this isn't new.

it's so old.

i've had low self-value for years.

it rears its head in every situation.

is that normal?

i don't think so

i really do think so

i think most people don't deal with this

because somehow i'm broken inside

and i let myself down

and i let others down

and i fail and i fail and i fail

and my tears are a failure

and this is what i tell myself.

i fail at trying to counteract telling myself im a failure. 

you see how thats a loop?

it never ends

it just goes 

down

down

down

and it explains a lot of what i do and what ive done

i dont want it to define me

this heartbreaking soulwrenching sobinducing hard hard hard self-hatred

is that the word?

it sounds so angsty

so minimal

so useless and worthless

like teenage angst

overdramatic

unnecessary

like joey standing behind his fake rain with sadness in his eyes

and the crowd laughing

at the falsity of it all

because i feel like a fraud for having these feelings

because i dont deserve to have these feelings

its why i cling to my friends

and feel so threatened 

because

im afraid i will lose it all

if i let people see.

so

when you ask me how i am

i am good

i am F*****G great

because thats how i need you to see me

so that i can be sure

you dont know to run from me

because the absolute scariest idea

is to lose everyone

and be all alone

with these thoughts

even

thoughj

i already am

aren't i

because i don't tell anyone

nobody

nobody at all

dan saw a bit

luke saw the effects

but

i

havent

ever

said

im

not

good.

but

im not

im not good

im so unbelievably not good

im so beyond bad

im so in need of help

HELP

someone

if i am a scuba diver

this is the water im under

please

please

hand me a rope

or a hand

hell

ill even take your pat on the back

just please give me something

Author's Note

this is nothing super good && definitely unpolished

Reviews

[Zugzwang]

I liked the raw honesty here. A lot of people have felt this way, myself included. Keep writing and don't stop running. It keeps you sane!

[Dana Ferguson]

Wow. This is awesome. I know you said this is more like a stream of consciousness but I think that's great too. I'm not too structured myself and I appreciate all types of writing. :) This hit a sensitive spot for me at one point and I think it was brave of you to say some of these things on here. Thank you for sharing :)