Gone

I lay still

Face in the dust

Of a filthy room.

 

Hours pass,

And days

Like the freight trains

Which rumble along the tracks

At the bottom of the garden:

Infrequent and quickly gone.

 

The nights are best.

And also worst.

Cold and empty

Endless

Black

Black

Black

Endless

And then light

                Day

                Fading

                Gone.

Black darkness

Endless.

 

The empty space

Next to me

Seems to scream of your absence

An ache, which tears my chest apart

A scream, which fills my throat

But I lay still, silent

Empty.

Endless.

Pretending I can’t feel

Pretending I don’t live

Wishing it were true.

 

I think I hear you talking

But it’s just the wind

Whistling among the chimneystacks

                And I nearly cry

                Nearly break

                Nearly scream

 

Instead I stay still

Hoping I will be forgotten

 

But they remember.

 

The phone rings

I lay still

Five times in total.

Next day

A knock on the door

Doorbell ringing cheerfully

At odds with the dark

Stillness of the house

 

Silence

Waiting silence

Breath holding silence

 

Listening silence

 

And then footsteps

Down the side of the house

Voices

Calling

 

More listening

 

Low voices.

And the tinkle of breaking glass.

Footsteps

A smash

Cursing

Flick of a light switch

 

Listening silence

And calling

And more listening

 

A sigh

Low and deep

 

Steps on the stairs

Two sets

Plodding

Weary.

 

I don’t want them to find me

But I don’t want to move

Don’t want to be alive

 

I press my palms to the floor

Trying to lift myself up

But lack of food and water

Have left me weak

And my head spins

Dizziness

Shot through with pain

 

I am on my knees

And I can hear them in the hallway

Outside the door

 

Calling

Calling my name

Soft voices

Pitying

Pleading

 

I crawl across the floor

To the wall

Lean my back against it

Push myself up

Onto shaking legs

 

The door opens

Two familiar faces

They see me

And step forwards

Hands outstretched to help…

 

But wary

They must see the madness

In my eyes

 

Edging closer

And I’m crying now

 

Come on

They say

You’ll be okay

 

But I don’t want to be okay

 

I manage to shake my head

I can’t forget

And that could never be okay

 

Closer and closer

And I can see this is my last chance.

 

I lurch drunkenly toward the window

Pain searing my head and my chest

Mental and physical

Mixed up in my mind till I don’t know what hurts

 

They can see the madness

They can see the pain

And the drunkenness

And the weakness

 

And they can’t see the will to live

 

Because it isn’t there

 

And that’s when they move

And I move too

The last of my strength carrying me forwards

Plunging head first

Through the glass

 

Their fingers reach uselessly

Trying to catch me

But I am gone

Plummeting down

Too quick.

Too desperate.

 

I hear their grunts

The emotion slow to catch up with their hands

And then the pain

The pain in their voices

As they call wordlessly

The noise falling

Slower than my flailing body.

But for a moment

As I lay

In the dust

And blood

Of a filthy street

I am sorry.

 

And then I am gone.

Just like you.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Frank F. Atanacio]

Cassidy this was well formualted and superbly penned I found myself enjoying the read as I kept flowing downward in this stream of words.. Nice JOB