Tetris Effect

Draft for a class assignment focusing on internal rhyme and 'sound.'

When the hypnagogic haze hits
I hear the day's words,
flitting about
in clips against a deep,
soft pulsating rhythm.

The resultant tune
is equal to
the thrills of the day,
with intensity of joy;
its woes,
as far as goes sucking emptiness;
and every moment spent,
condensed.

As memories accumulated
in one town would be distinct
from those made out of state,
so does this song taste
of Baltimore,

for now of home-
For how long I don't know,
but rest.  The hook is sharp,
infectious,
and it hasn't lost my interest yet.

Reviews

[The Wave]

nice,
i particularly liked the last stanza.

i felt though that i was just reading words...i didnt FEEL them. the flow was okay but could have been smoother...
overall, not bad! i see potential.. in not just this piece, but with you..
keep writing!
good job

[Coltron]

@the wave

Thank you for the review; I appreciate any criticism. I'm curious about your comment about really feeling those words, and I would like to know, in your opinion, just how I'd do better to evoke emotion here.

One of my teacher's biggest things was that a poem should not just narrate, but really make the reader feel like he or she is there; I think some of her words are echoed in your criticism here.

[Ourebro.]

This is very enjoyable and descriptive and visual.
Great job.