Leeward Shore

this is a rework of an earlier piece - not a lot of changes but trying to work with a tighter 4343 ABAB meter - still using some near rhymes in places b/c I like them - lol

Passing tangent on tempest edge

gale winds fill billowed sails

souls aboard consumed by dread 

tacking west to setting sun.

Fault riddled journey races on

in gyre flowing sides

void of peace and all hope gone

across life’s jetsam tides.

Vision of dreadful moonless night

within heart’s breast does flow

as absence of dawn’s breaking light

boast latitude to life’s foe.

Gazed only through a mortal eye

at desperate earthly fate

without redemption horizon line

expecting a tryst with death. 

On leeward shore a shadow stands

through a severed veil viewed

the only anchorage for soul of man 

entered by the faithful few.

As final deliverance now is clear

breath comes in easy sighs

to allay all inner fears,

willingly we lay down to die.

Author's Note

any criticism on the piece especially by comparing it to the previous version greatly appreciated. -carl - I found The Hunting of the Snark enjoyable and helpful. -

Reviews

[RomaJ]

Carl, your poem carries a remarkable tension between despair and quiet transcendence. The imagery of the tempest and the "gyre flowing sides "effectively conveys the chaotic, almost existential turbulence of life’s journey, while the careful attention to meter gives the piece a controlled rhythm that mirrors the struggle for order amid chaos. I love how you contrast the relentless dread of the journey with the still, almost sacred space of the "leeward shore," where deliverance and peace finally arrive.

The interplay between the mortal eye and the "severed veil" is particularly striking --it feels like a meditation on perception itself, how humans navigate the vast unknown and ultimately find meaning only in the small glimpses of grace. The ABAB 4343 structure works beautifully here; the near rhymes lend a subtle musicality without breaking the somber tone, making the ending sigh of relief feel earned rather than abrupt.

Overall, I truly enjoyed reading this piece -- it lingers in the mind and leaves a lasting impression.

[carl]

thank you for the very gracious and helpful review I appreciate the time and effort to help me develop and understand my effort. The things you have noticed are exactly what I hoped to convey - again thank you so very much carl

[redd Brick Keshner]

Carl, I think the revision really benefits from the tighter 4343 ABAB structure.
It gives the piece a steadier, almost hymn‑like rhythm
fits the theme of voyage and deliverance.
The nautical imagery is strong in both versions,
but the rework feels more polished and deliberate,
especially with lines like “entered by the faithful few”
which land with more clarity than the original phrasing.

That said, the first version had a looser,
drifting quality that echoed the chaos of the sea.
There’s something atmospheric in that rawness
that the tighter form smooths out.
You might decide which effect you want more:
the storm‑tossed unpredictability of the original,
or the solemn cadence of the revision.

Either way, the closing stanza is powerful in both versions.
The shift from dread to acceptance is where the poem really breathes.

[carl]

I thought I replied to your review but perhaps I forgot to post it. I do appreciate the time and effort you took to give me some very valuable input. I agree with you analysis and I guess one should try to use whichever they feel is needed for a particular piece of work. I so enjoyed The Hunting of the Snark that I was moved to follow the quote - "Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal". again thanks for helping me to consider what was done and the effectiveness of the result - carl

[Pete]

wow. such deep, great poetry. i love everything from the title on down. love the flow, imagery and theme. we are exposed to a cold world from the moment we are born until we pass. giving up the ghost never sounded so good. powerful ending line. i wouldn't change a thing.

[carl]

read and review much appreciated - your words ring true. and some folks wonder why "the Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf sounded so attractive.

[ShadesofV]

life is a stormy, uncertain journey, ultimately finding calm and transcendence in acceptance at the ‘leeward shore.’ beautifully captured and resonant piece

[carl]

Thanks for the encouragement by your read and review, much appreciated -carl