Everybody Hurts

a conversation

The sky resembles the canvas of an artist: an amalgamation of orange, red with hints of gold and yellow; far away, one can see the sun setting beyond the snow-clad hills on the valley. Crossing the valley one reaches a waterfall over a small lake; the water there is as clear as sky in spring; one can see the bottom of the lake filled with beautiful fishes, colourful pebbles and various water plants. Leading away from the valley lays an expanse of the greenest meadow one may have ever seen. The stars begin to twinkle; a faint sound of thousands of wind chimes soothes the numbing silence, as if giving voice to the stars, which appear to sing their own lenitive lullaby to the inhabiting animalia, throughout the meadow. On a faraway ridge, under a great willow tree the silhouettes of a girl and a boy sit together, witnessing the beauteous sunset. A picnic basket is beside them. The boy, now, rests his head on the girl’s shoulder, singing a melancholic tune . . .

 

 

 

“Everybody hurts sometimes . . . Everybody cries . . .”

“Have you ever hurt anyone?”

“Yes. I have.”

“Who did you hurt?”

“Someone important.”

“Someone…?”

“I also said ‘important’, Carrie. What more do you wish to fish out of me.”

“Okay, first of all, that tone will not work --- as it never has! I shall instantly leave.”

“No, no, no, no, Carrie. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. I need you.”

“So tell me what happened.”

“I . . . I . . . uhh . . . Forget it, it’s embarrassing.”

“Luke, it’s totally fine, I think. Okay? It’s me! What’s wrong?”

“Nothing . . . just that . . . it’s weird sharing stuff with you now when in actuality I’ve never done it.”

“Now is okay.”

“I hurt my best friend.”

“And…”

“I was really very mean and rude to her . . . and now . . . I’ve lost her, Carrie.”

“Luke . . . there’s no need to tear up. Come on now, wipe your face. You’re a big boy. It’s really very okay. You are with me. Now, tell me something about her.”

 

 

“Her name is Julia. She loves to swim, loves to travel, loves Jimmy Page, love…d me . . . She’s very peaceful and a quiet person; so lovely and very --- at least to me --- very beautiful. She speaks . . . spoke to me, I mean, like share her highs, her lows, her secrets. Oh, and you could die admiring her cheerfulness and love her cuteness when she occasionally will get drunk or high. This one time, we were on the phone at night and she had gotten high for the first time with her cousin, she recounted exactly seven ways that she thinks makes me look good --- well, her actual words were ‘handsome’ and ‘sexy’, but let’s just keep it up to good.

 

“She’s so nice, gets upset by the littlest of things but remains unfazed by the greatest of troubles. She hated --- hates to see people go away from her life; you know like fighting and never speaking again, stuff like that. When she’s quietly disturbed about something, she prefers to be left alone, but you know me, I often wouldn’t let her be because I knew she would cry. In situations as these, she told me she felt safe with me, safest in my arms. Her eyes . . . the most beautiful, intriguing eyes I’ve ever fallen for, Carrie, and God! her smile is the most beautiful and you know, she’s got the greatest legs . . . And whenever I’d tell her any of these things, she’d always playfully tell ‘Lies…all these things you say are just lies’.

 

 “She would take care of me, Carrie and the only one who really understands me, Carrie . . . and, and I messed up, Carrie. I destroyed it all. I said bad things to her; was rude to her; said really s****y, untrue things about her, to her!!! Carrie, I fucked up such a good thing. I promised to stay besides her, Carrie. I promised to protect her but I broke her, Carrie. I broke her heart, Carrie. I wrecked her feelings, Carrie.  I . . . I . . . fuc . . .”

 

 

“Hey…shhh…stop it. You’ll have another attack, Luke. Stop crying, stop fretting. You made a mistake. You’re a fool to have hurt a person who loves you so much.”

 

 

“I know, Carrie . . . and now, now it’s all gone.”

“No. . . Why? Stop blaming yourself like this. This is why your panic attacks are getting worse. All this negativity, gosh you need to really get yourself together.”

“I can’t . . . I tried but don’t you see it’s all over!”

“Luke, calm down! And don’t tell me you went all Taurus on her and never apologised.”

“I did.”

“Good, because you’re the biggest repentant in the world. So, she didn’t forgive you . . .”

“No. . . How can she? I cannot forgive myself! She says she remembers all the horrible things I said and it suffocates her which makes it awkward for her to even look at me, now. It hurts her all over again. Can you blame her?”

“So?!”

“‘So?!’ Come on, Carrie. Julia cannot forgive me. She never thought, I --- the person she shared absolutely every damnable thing with --- hurt her. She cannot forget it and I totally understand.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah . . . yeah I apparently do.”

“You don’t and she will forgive you. She loves you, Luke. You just need to give her time.”

“I don’t know, Carrie. You know I need help.”

“I know, Luke. I wish I could.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Who said what?”

“Julia. I told her I need her and her help. She just said, ‘I wish I could.’”

“Ouch! That had to hurt.”

“Yeah but I understand.”

“Okay, but I really wish I could help you. If I could’ve, I would’ve.”

“So come back, Carrie!!!”

“Luke . . . We’ve discussed this . . .”

“No, no, listen, I’ve listened to you and given a lot of thought about how it could all work out to be . . . Listen . . .”

“No, you listen! You know, we know it’s not possible! And why whine for me to come back . . . why complain now, huh? You didn’t think it through before refusing to accompany me to the park that night. At night, a lonely girl walking on the pavement, alone, thinking how to irritate her ever-so irritating brother until that drunkard rammed his huge truck into the tiny her. You’re a lazy a*s, Luke . . . Okay, okay, okay, enough with death and its jokes; come on, I’m kidding Luke. I wanted to go out alone, myself, I asked you just like that, but you were painting, so obviously couldn’t come with me. I’m kidding, I’m kidding . . . please stop wearing the bad face. Please . . . It’s not your fault, Luke."

“Yeah, so I’ve been told! Although I really wish I’d died. Not you. People always liked you more than me. They do even now.”

“What can I do? I too was born a Taurus.”

“Yeah, my twin sister, ladies and gentlemen...”

“Thank God, we’re not identical.”

“HAHH!! You wish!”

Okay enough joking. Can I ask you something? Of course, I can. Why did you hurt her?”

“It was a mistake.”

“No.”

“It was!”

“No, it wasn’t!”

“Why?”

“You tell me.”

“I told you, it was a big stupid mistake because I’m a big, stupid retard.”

“That’s correct too, but you hurt her because you loved her . . . you love her . . . you love her so much that some tiny complication in your own life, enticed you to see other complications present between you two. It drove you so insane that all you wanted was a little peace and quiet in your head, all your problems to go away. They didn’t go away the easy or worldly ways, so you took the hard way: you decided to face them but ended up playing the blame game so that once they were gone, they wouldn’t ever come back so you won’t have to face them all again and cause more troubles to you. You did not want her to leave but you never anticipated that . . .”

“Bullshit! Carrie, what have you been getting high on? Who talks like that?”

“You hurt her because she’s perfect to you and you love her.”

“I don’t really get that.”

“Okay Luke, maybe I went too deep with my musings but why are you resisting this possibility?”

“Because . . . because it’s not true. It cannot be! I did not want to blame her; I had no right to hurt her.”

“Yeah, you didn’t but that is not what I’m disputing right now. I asked you why? Did you hate her?”

“Come on, Carrie.”

“Did you want to hurt her?”

“No!”

“Did you want to make her feel bad?”

“Carrie, what’s the point of all this?”

“Yes or no?”

“Of course, no.”

“Then why did you hurt the person who understood you, Luke? You know how no one really understands you!”

“I . . . I didn’t . . . I didn’t want to . . . okay? Can we stop on this? I miss her too much. She is the only person, I know, I would come close to even telling myself that yes, Luke this is the girl meant for you. She understood me! I have ruined everything for both of us. I hurt her . . .”

“Why?”

“Because of my depression . . . I didn’t want to lose her.”

“Exactly, Luke. You didn’t think twice, having thought so much already before turning into a bull and bellowing every word that came to your mouth, even if you never ever may have thought of them. You didn’t think . . . you didn’t imagine that you could ever lose her. Luke, you were the key to her comfort and the key to her greatest pain. You know how to soothe someone and you know how to suffocate someone, just with your words. She never imagined you to hurt her or keep such thoughts about her in your mind, ever! She too loved you, silly. She never expected it because you, stupid moron, were her safe-zone. Now, she’s lost it, so it’s difficult for her to cope with. You were too strong with your blames; maybe, why she is having trouble trusting you again . . . You didn’t foresee that, someday, your fairy tale could end.”

“I didn’t . . .”

“Yes, but gather yourself. It’s only been two months. And please, Luke, as your sister, I beg you to get yourself together. You’ve been depressed for nearly nine months!”

“I’m trying, Carrie. It’s not easy losing someone who’s a part of you and that too, so untimely.”

“Aww . . . you miss me. Come here and give your dead sister a hug.”

“I miss Julia . . . I need her to hug me.”

“F**k you.”

“F**k you!

“You know, Carrie, sometimes I feel she didn’t give me much of a chance.”

“So understanding! What chance?”

 

“Yeah . . . like hear me out once more . . .  see that I was honest to her.”

“Honest?”

 

“Yes. That even in the worst circumstances, I was honest to God to her.”

“About what? The things you said?”

“Yes.”

“You just told me you did not want to hurt her and crap and now you tell me that you were ‘honest to her’ about the things you said?!”

“No . . . no . . . no . . .”

“Yes, yes, yes! Luke . . . look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t mean those things you said to Julia!”

“I didn’t . . . I mean I did . . . but only when I said them.”

“Ohkay . . . I don’t know what the f**k that means but what about now?”

“I don’t think about those things at all. I never did. Only when I said it. Are you not following what I’ve been saying?”

“Are you?! You just created your stupid version of Schrodinger’s Cat! Is the cat alive or not . . . F**k that! It was alive when I put it in!”

“I don’t get you!”

“I don’t get you!!”

“F**k! F**k! F**k! F**k! Now I get it . . . Oh this explains a much why Julia just lost it when I told her this exact same thing. See, see, see . . . what I meant by meaning those things was that . . . see, I was undergoing a nervous breakdown back then and there was something Julia and I had been fighting about. That night, I was completely hysterical, lost my cool, don’t know what all I said to her and even blamed Julia for everything that had been happening. I calmed after a day or two. I was about to call her when I realised that I had hurt her. Feeling Julia would leave me, I threw out all the garbage from my head. Carrie, I didn’t want to say those things to Julia. They just, somehow, came out. My depression overtook my reason. I took out my frustration about everything on Julia. But, I love Julia. She understood me, Carrie. We had our differences but who doesn’t?! They did not mean anything to me, ever!! But that does not mean I could belch out any stupid thing that I cooked up in my head. I told Julia that I only lost my cool and meant all of those things . . . in the moment . . . not before, not after . . . in the heat of the moment . . .”

“Stop right there! I kind of get what you are hinting at. You never meant anything seriously? That’s the gist of it all. You weren’t yourself when you said it and were actually Hannibal Lecter. Screw you! Couldn’t you just have been yourself and not a Taurus?! Stubborn a*s; always wanting to be right, somewhere and everywhere! Just accept you were wrong and never right, ok? I bet this entire stupid charade, you put up, hurt Julia more.”

“Really?”

“Yes Luke. Although, it’s not your fault. You always have been stubborn and headstrong. Mostly, when all you needed was to be a little compromising. You do compromise but fail to do so when it means you can never be right in a situation. Plus all of this depression of yours has totally put you off your guard. Julia could calm but since your mess up, you’ve been even more terrible.”

“I’m sorry. I see what you are saying.”

“Thank God for that. And what was that stupidity about honesty. Bet I’d love to hear that bullshit too!”

“By honest I meant that I didn’t b***h about all of my complaints to someone else. I told all that to her. She did not find out from someone else. No doubt, it was wrong but I didn’t b***h about to someone else like a lot of other people. Good, bad, worse . . . all to a person’s face. Not their back . . .”

“Ohkayy . . . Actually, that’s not a bad thing and something -- you don’t hear me say this -- I admire about you. Trust me, guys b***h about their friends more than girls.”

 

“Tell me about it!”

“But Luke, what you did was wrong: hurtful, unforgivable, ridiculous and uncalled for. Save your scowl for someone else. See . . . I know how it all happened . . . is happening . . . and . . . will happen . . . I just wanted you to realise what you actually did. But don’t worry . . .”

“What? What? What? Will Julia forgive me? I’ll just be friends with her, but I need her. You have to tell me, Carrie. You have to tell me!”

“No, I cannot. Learn to listen, first; always babbling like a baboon. Even if I know what’ll happen, I came here today because you were destroying yourself in your depression. It is not your fault. But Luke . . . high time! You are losing everything around you and among all this chaos; and all you could care about most was hurting Julia?! What about Mamma and Pa? All the other things, more important things have passed you by and you are unfazed! That would have been okay if you had been a log but you are not! You are depressed, I know. How bad it gets, I know that too. I wish I could help. Julia wishes too. Yeah of course, she wishes she could help you. Have you even given thought that when two people love each other and it breaks up for a confounded reason, only one doesn’t miss and mourn: the other does too! Didn’t you just tell Julia hates ‘fighting and never speaking again’ afterwards? But you did not realise this and you should be ashamed, Luke and I ought to slap you for such cowardice! And by the way, do it vertically across the plane the next time you try to commit suicide because you cannot cope with things! Thank God for me, I sensed your sudden, abrupt choice and stopped you from leaving your pain-inflicted body otherwise mister, you would be wandering in nothingness in complete limbo . . . like a nomad in a foreign land. The end of life is not as simple as you think it to be! Killing yourself before your death is harmful for your spiritual growth. You never want that to happen!! Never; okay?!

 

“And you didn’t think about Mamma and Pa?! Are they happy they’ve already lost a daughter? Since right now you shall understand the language of looove, I shall deal with you in it! You didn’t think about Julia? Would she have been able to forgive herself even if she’s not the chief reason of your suicide attempt? We will get to it later, mister! You’re in deep trouble with me! But right now, Luke . . . do something about your depression.”

“I want to. But I cannot.”

“You have to. For Julia. And actually, for Mamma and Pa.”

“Why are you so interested in Julia all of a sudden, today? Is there something wrong?”

“Shut up! I bet it’s all the Sherlock Holmes up your head that you feel you can even scarcely be wrong. Try putting on Watson’s moustache and just listen to what I have to say: Take care of yourself. No one likes a depressed, apologetic moron with a Holmesian mood swing. But there is one who does . . . who would but just isn’t willing to, right now. Actually, few more but right now you’re Romeo and yo . . . “

“Shut up. And I’ll try. I need help but I’ll try really hard on my own.”

“I hope so. Life is the subject and living its lesson.”

“Hmm, I understand and I was wrong. I never meant any of those things. I couldn’t. I was . . . was just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t dislike Julia for anything she has chosen to do. I really do want the best for her . . . with or without me.”

“Great, and I want the best for you, mom, dad. And Julia.”

“Liar! haha; wait, is that bird chirping I hear? There’s it! Look at that blue bird! That’s a shade of blue, right?”

“No. The colour belongs to the spiritual dimension, beyond the visible spectrum on Earth and beyond your brains. It’s called Gerzchiumlda and this is our grandma’s messenger, Sadah.”

“What does the name mean?”

 

 

“It means ‘forever’, ‘till eternity’.”

 

 

Can you understand it?”

“Her. And yes I understand Sadah; as well as she understands me. Now, I have to go.”

“No you don’t!!”

“Yes.”

“NO! Please don’t . . . I’ll be nice!!”

“We both know it’s ‘never gonna happen’ and really got to scram. Grandma’s calling out for me. She says grandma wishes to go back.”

“To Earth? Where? Don’t tell me at Uncle Richards’ house!”

“Nah, she’s going to India, this time. Says a century-old debt needs to be paid off to a very dear and now needy soul.”

“But if she is now going back to India, then how will we get to be with her again?”

“Duh, in another life! Remember how I told you about the physical body being mortal but the soul being immortal. You always weren’t a man, Luke. Once in Paris, you were one of those who always had their legs spread. Gosh, this one time you had to run naked across a village to escape your abusive pimp who wanted to sell you. I was your angry, orthodox father in that life.”

“Didn’t have to know that. I hate you for telling me this. I as it is don’t grasp how reincarnation works so just give me time and till then don’t make fun of me.”

“Wake up, sleepy head, it’s time up for you to go too.”

 

 

 

Carrie gets up. Luke remains sitting. Carrie pulls Luke up by his arm and cups his head gently between her palms.

 

 

 

“Don’t freak out too much. Things will better.”

“You never tell me what will happen.”

“Cannot. That’s the price for speaking with you; either that or complete isolation for you. Once truth told, bitterness unfolds; truth makes distances go and serenity flow. You know what you want. If I make revelations to you I cannot visit you in your dreams like this, anymore. Now, rest of your lessons later; wake up; Mamma’s shouting. It’s over seven. You’ve got your game, too. Play well, score goals and make me proud."

 

 

 

Carrie kisses Luke on his forehead and the ever-setting sun, the twinkling stars, the green meadow, the waterfall, the lake, all fuse into one and transform --- expand like an artist’s perception of the Big Bang --- to blue walls and white roof with a ceiling fan whirring away over Luke’s bed on which Luke slowly opens his eyes, feeling fresh as morning milk. The sound of the wind-chimes is aptly replaced by the mellow call for breakfast by Luke’s and Carrie’s mother. Suddenly, the freshness disappears and the rampant dullness takes its place.

 

Luke misses Carrie so much . . .

 

Luke stretches his arms, looks at his bandaged wrists, feels bad. He is reflecting upon the conversation and yawns but suddenly jolts out of bed in utter surprise.

 

He had heard a low whisper.

He laughed at himself when he recognised the voice.

It was Carrie.

 

“You hurt no one else but only those whom you truly love.”

 

 

Author's Note

This is strictly meant to be a dialogue.


The main motive is to trigger the reader's imagination and help them adhere to the emotions, actions, lessons of the characters while relating to the story.
Hope you were able to finish it.

P.S.: Do let me know if you got bored.

Reviews

[Rounak Jain]

Well!! This dialogue has got so much in it. Such strong emotional dialogues flowing out from Luke. The incidence, the aftermath guilt, the lynching pain of being unable to erase the action committed, the sadness, the loneliness, the memories, the hurt, the company, the irrecoverable loss, the crippled numb mind that Luke carries it even to his dream. It was gripping though heavy.

[Stonz P.]

Sir, it seems heavy due to a lack of narrative. I do not want to add the narrative as this was meant to be a script.

Nonetheless, thank you for all your praise and I appreciate you taking out the time to read this :)

[Isabel25]

I found the first para too sunshiny and sickly sweet- sorry (I have an aversion towards both, as u may know by now). A bit too long I must say. I liked the concept of the dead twin coming to the aid of the deranged one in his dream, or reality (It seemed like the dream is the reality for him on certain levels).
It is not as gripping as your "itching uselessness" and I found some of the dialogues repetitive. My mind has the tendency to wander while reading long pieces, and it did wander too much when I read this. Knowing you, you can do so much better.

[Stonz P.]

This is not yet finished.

And this is actually a play...have only posted it here to improve the dialogues and progression of plot.. Have you seen 'Before Sunrise' and its sequels? This was inspired by that...not the story but the format..

Cannot thank you enough...your input is invaluable... All are duly noted until the next edit..

[Isabel25]

I think I have seen one amongst the three...dunno which one. I see..looking forward to the completed version

[Stonz P.]

Oh it will be too long I feel... I wrote this two years ago..re-edited 3-4 times...still unfinished.. :/

[Isabel25]

yeah..it does seem incomplete..

[icelandicblue]

The dialogue is good and it keeps the reader engaged. It is vague enough especially with the verb tenses shifting that keeps the reader wondering who is dead and who isn't. I liked the reveal just before the end and thought that was well done. I felt the part about Sadah came out of left field, and although I understood what you were saying, I found it to be a distraction and did not fit within the seam of the story. One small change that I suggest is to use the word lie instead of lay in the sentence:
Leading away from the valley lays an expanse of the greenest meadow one may have ever seen...

[Stonz P.]

That would be a typo; I copied it from my word processor. I'll fix it.

As for the input about 'Sadah', I shall look into it as I am still not done with the piece; have to rewrite the whole dialogue. Without the narrative it does get engrossing to edit the piece.
Thank you for reviewing.

[Surya pradha]

an emotional conversation which though longer than preferred, was exceptionally interesting. a good read.

[Stonz P.]

Hey, I'd like to know which parts you found to be unnecessary as I still have to complete its editing. It is one of my most exceptionally frustrating pieces for me personally.

Thanks for reading :)

[Namrata]

YOU BET I FINISHED READING THIS.
"deep breath". Let me highlight my qualities, "impatient" and "lazy". Thank me later.
I read this, it was clichéd at the beginning , I got kinda muddled but I gained consistency on it...it surprises me how you can take on the dialogue so vastly from a girl's mindset. So, you do try to understand complex things. Since you mentioned ,it strictly is a dialogue, I would be happy not to go on about this huge piece.
Your writing style though impresses me, you have your wit's end. Charming !
And the last line, awesome ! too humble a word maybe, but take it anyways, cheers !

[Stonz P.]

I wrote this as a screenplay for a 30-45min play to do (I have been doing theater since 2000) in college but wahan kisi ko angreji play naahi chaahiye tha so I just developed it into a dialogue for later use. As for the lady-perspective, I observe. Nothing else.

And trust me, I know how tiring it can be when it is not a reading. Reading dialogue where there is no narrative is exhausting. And right, it is clichéd coz I did not know how else would the reader connect to the story. I tried a few things but for the issue I was heading into, I needed to distract the reader, cliché was my refuge.
Thank you for thinking the write is witty; I prefer to show the wit from the character's mouth rather than my own..
And haha, the last line is stolen from a song... I cannot remember whose, but I'll let you know.
Thanks..

[Stonz P.]

No, no... I derived it from a Bob Marley speech I had read at the time...

[Namrata]

you do theatre ? you observe.....your traits keep turning me on ! (no kinky gesture). Good try converting it into a dialogue.

[Stonz P.]

Yup, I've done it and yeah yeah... Don't you have to study?? ;)

[Namrata]

Aww...I know..gentlemen are extinct :p

[Namrata]

Aww...I know..gentlemen are extinct :p

[Mayank]

I could literally imagine all characters in my head including Benedict Cumberbatch & Martin Freeman *chuckles*. The conversation was made sense, the depressed one always need someone but they end up hurting most people around. I finished reading Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx and it carried the same theme of drugs and depression.
Luke's character is raw and honest with emotions. The blunt oppression from his sister was sharp and funny at times.
The afterlife part was really fascinating and I had often wonder about it.

[Stonz P.]

OH NO, not the two. My love is only for Sir Arthur's works. And if there is a Sherlock and a Watson, it is definitely Jeremy Brett and David Burke! The new series was good, I was in total awe of it (S1 & S2 are still my favourite interpretations) but when they drastically changed everything in S3, I hated it. It is like the pathetic Downey Jr. movies, it is awesome but it would get them better appreciation from fans, who have actually read all books, if they removed the character from it. THEY ARE NOTHING, like Sherlock Holmes or Watson of the book. Coming back to the piece, I am glad you liked it. The theme of depression is prevalent with my work, having suffered it in the past. This piece is actually a year old. It is my reflection, some exaggeration, much fiction, on some of the things I saw at the time.
I haven't heard about it but certainly know him from Motley Crue. Maybe, someday I'll come across it.

Thank you for the review.

[Mayank]

hahaha! I didn't like Downey movie at all. I recently got addicted to all these TV series which I used to loath before. Breaking Bad, True Detective, & House MD are my favorite. I had depressive phase some 4-5 years back, it's was rough phase that went by teaching me lot...

[Stonz P.]

Haha, I was up-to-date with all the series but then shifted my focus to other things after True Detective. That was such a good show, loved all the weird fiction references in it.
And yeah, depression teaches if you get out of it.

[AprilRN1210]

I didn't get bored, but got confused a little bit in there... this is quite a story... there were a few parts that made me giggle, and a few that made me really think.. some of the things you threw in there helped make this relatable to others... Sherlock Holmes at watson, made me giggle... put your mustache on... lol

You did seem to wanna "blame" being a Taurus a lot on things in this story.... shame shame... I liked the addition of you being a "street walker" in former life, made me giggle as well... oh my goodness running from pimp... haha...

I like the spiritual beliefs and messages sprinkled throughout this one too.... makes the story have this warming element that caresses the soul... love the banter between siblings... can sense the love and affection and the need to poke each other...

you also did a good job with his frustration, his sense of loss, the confusion, the desperation came across well... the imagery was very nice....

overall this was quite an awesome read, I might trim little bits here and there and cut out some of the "blaming Taurus qualities" in there.. also a few parts the phrasing threw me off, but I know how you like to divert from "grammar" so yea, I get it... :P

loved this by the way!!! of course, you know I am a fan...

[Stonz P.]

I am a Taurus :P I took those general qualities I have observed in me and a few other men, though they are a bit exaggerated. Mainly, I wanted to confront my shortcomings and bad habits with this one, but if anything is really out of place, don't hesitate to point it out.

And noooo... No rules for poetry.. but all rules in prose... Please point those areas out... This might come out as paradoxical but I strictly adhere to the basic rules of Grammar, with the exceptions allowed only for structuring and specific portrayals..

I will admit the piece was very difficult to edit and it took me two days to structure the piece alone. Also, let me know where you got confused. I know there are areas where a reader may get confused without a narrative. I had to correct that but being familiar with the piece, that got in the way so there are a few gray areas and I want those out..
And if you got confused regarding the philosophy, a little knowledge of the concepts of Reincarnation will be of help. Still, let me know, please.

Thank you so much... And I am a HUGE Sherlock Holmes (and Julius Caesar) fan and aspire to be a scholar on him. THAT character is the reason I into writing. Since there are elements of me, I decided to pay a homage to him and Watson. Happy you liked the messages too :)

[AprilRN1210]

I love Sherlock Holmes as well... it was an entertaining, fitting homage--i enjoyed... I am well aware of a lot of the "concepts" of reincarnation, so that isn't where I got confused really--you did a good job with that part... really nice... was actually some of my favorite parts of the story... the dialogue was well done too, but that is where I got confused in several parts.. I think the explanation of who was the friend and who is the sister maybe, also got confused around the part explaining the "accident" who was involved, was it the sister or the friend... what did he say to the friend, why was the friend so mad, the fact that his sister was a ghost was confusing in the beginning, which is a great twist, but the way in which it was revealed confused me a little... I will have to read again when not so fuzzy to point out the "grammar" parts--was only maybe one or two that stood out... your writing is so impressive... very talented... Some of the best I have seen on the site and always make it so enjoyable and entertaining as well as technically -not so technically on point...lol (does that even make sense?.. makes sense in my head... )....

[Stonz P.]

Hmmm... I chose not to give the reasons because I could not think of any really strong ones, but the issue seemed to be relatable, so I built the dialogue around it..People have different experiences and who knows what worse things people say when it comes to the blame game, especially if it is one sided? Maybe again, it is the absence of narrative :( Do you still think I should add them?


"At night, a lonely girl walking on the pavement, alone, thinking how to irritate her ever-so irritating brother until that drunkard rammed his huge truck into the tiny her."
This part? Okay.
Carrie is talking about herself here, like a third-person thing. I see what you say and I'll better it, later. I'll need to be fresh for the the piece and its errors for the corrections. At the moment, I'm like saturated with this piece. Over a year, and still far from being error-free.. It is getting agitating, now. Do let me know of the grammar mistakes whenever you reread this; I feel this piece is tiresome without the narrative..but I want the reader to imagine it.. like actors do while reading a play... will have to work harder on this :/

[Stonz P.]

So rude of me, THANK YOU for the in-depth review and the corrections :-) And yes, I know what you mean and all my work is such, technical but with a touch of my own. I strongly believe, If everybody were to follow convention, there would be no novelty left.. and that is the day Art would start to fade away...

[AprilRN1210]

ahhhh, ok...so leaving it open to the reader's imagination.. cruel, but effective.... lol
true... we all have different experiences and agree with the "blame game"... do I think you should add what?.... I can think better when not so fuzzy, will have to revisit this piece for sure.. might be able to offer suggestions... apologize for my lack of coherence at the moment... I sure don't see how people like this "fuzziness" that accompanies this medicine.... grrrrrr. sucks...
and you are more than welcome sir... like you said... it's what we do :P

[Stonz P.]

Add the dialogues for the blames.

And the medicines :/ grrr... I can only admire how you take them so consistently.. I was so agitated with the haziness of my meds I had to stop... I hope you once your medication is complete you do not ever need to take them again..

[AprilRN1210]

lemme get back to you on suggestions.. don't trust my brain right now... and me tooooo!! lol

[Stonz P.]

I am planning to work on this again. I hope it won't be bothersome to you if you could re-read again. Thank youu.. ((hugs))

[AprilRN1210]

You know I am a fan and would be more than happy to read when you are finished.. Just let me know!