i wonder

part of me wishes i could hate Him
that maybe it'd make it easier
if i didn't love Him so f*****g much

i wonder how long i'll be wondering in the middle of the day
how His day is going
if He's buried under work
if He's feeling well
if He'd like the book i'm reading
if He'd enjoy the dinner i'm cooking

i wonder how long i'll have the urge to tell Him about
the newest trick Blue has learned
the ditzy or clumsy moments i have on a regular basic
the way GB finally managed to hit the softball with the bat
rocking Ab to sleep, smelling the baby powder and how wonderfully at peace i feel
that Ri may get to skip a couple of grades
how Ka called me Da for the first time and how she asked if that was okay
how our first family counciling session went
how my mother is hovering close by during the days and how it makes me feel like she's really understanding me better
the new crazy thing "butch" lets GB do to his hair

i wonder how long will...
i glance up at the clock and find it "our time" and feel like the million pieces of my heart break into two again
i fall asleep wrapped around my pillow and wish it was Him
i dream of Him
i still think of him when i jerk off
it take to forget "the words" He says before i cum
i crave to be called "danie Mine" by Him
it will take before i stop looking at his pictures, re-reading his words

i wonder when, if ever again...
i'll want someone else as much as i wanted Him
i'll love someone the way i loved Him
i'll be lit on fire with innocent words the way He does to me so often
my body will ever react for someone else, the way it does when i think of Him
someone will make me shine...only He has done such for me
will i glow again when someone else just says hello to me
will i kneel in front of someone else and feel free
will i feel as if i'm not totally flawed
will i look in the mirror and be happy with what i see again
will i find the spark that i first found with Him, the fight and the drive, and the freedom
will i crave another's arms the way i crave His
will i need to simply be near another the way i've needed to simply be near Him at times
will i feel so content to simply be

I wonder...if maybe the next life will be O/ours....

i won't get my hopes up though...