[untitled]

"butch" is watching me now
so very closely
has since the night he watched me have my time with Him

he's whispered things to me since then
he's worried
that my first real taste of death has left me unsure that i'm alive
that i'm searching for that alive feeling
that my reaction to death was violent and needy
that i needed to fight against something to cleanse myself of it

how he's worried now that He is gone,
that i will make mistakes in that search
that i may fall in to real danger
that i won't be able to find the fight in me again

whispering
i need to let myself relax
to get mad at Him
that He was wrong
that things will be okay
that i don't need Him
that i can do it on my own

that i need to eat more
that i need to get some sleep
that the act i'm putting on for the kids and everyone else isn't good for me
that he knows i'm hurting
that letting go of first loves are hard

that i can have everything
that i shouldn't settle
and He was settling

that he misses the fights between us
the verbal and the physical

that i'm beautiful
that a few scars are nothing
they just show us we are alive
and then showed me his scars...

that i'm a good person
that my heart is pure gold and that it can't break over Him
that it's much to strong for that

that i will find what i need and deserve

how do i explain to "butch"
i'm not sure of anything
that the voice in my head is screaming
that He is the only one that's ever made it stop
made me believe and hope that i could be happy

how do i even approach telling him about the voice
how my "first" was so cruel and manipulative i have his voice in my head
that it's always there
telling me how flawed i am
how no one could want me
how He didn't keep me
how i'm not good enough for the things i want

how i'm hurting so much that i can't think
how i'm just feeling
how much he's right
how in danger i really am
how if i don't find some moment of real peace that i'm going to do soemthing i'd regret
that i don't' want to hurt him

that i would have done almost anything to keep Him
that i would have broken myself for Him
that if He'd only told me what he wanted
i would have done everything i could to be that
that He is everything in so many ways

and then how do i tell him that He filled parts of me in ways i didn't know could be filled
but that i couldn't find everything in Him
but what i could find was so perfect that some of what was lackign could fall away and be left unattended

that i love Him
that i don't want to let go of Him
but that HE made a decision
that i have to live with that decision
because i wasn't good enough
i stumbled too often
i didn't submit enough
i wanted my dreams and they didn't match what He needed
i couldn't understand everything He wanted or said



i just wish i could talk to someone...but at the same time i'm glad i can't, i'm not sure if it would make it worse or better