[untitled]

i talked to her this morning
she said she was there for me
the He was still there
to talk
to be silly with
or whatever

how exactly do i tell her
i can't be near either of them
that it hurts too much
that her One left me ripped apart
that she rips me apart

that i can't eat more than a few bites of food and i feel nauseous
that i don't want to get up and do anything
how i just want to crawl into bed and sleep
how i have to make myself smile in front of my kids

that i've lost more than they can imagine
that it was never about sex
that her One made me different
that He made me
hope
dream
believe
that He made the voice in my head be silent
that when i looked in the mirror i actually almost liked what i saw

and now in a matter of days He didn't just take sex away
or hugs
or kisses

He took the part of me i found with Him
that i feel weak all over again
alone again
so flawed, maybe even more than i was to begin with
He took the spark He created
the thirst to be happy
the fight for my dreams
my voice, which took me so long to find

that the moment He walked away the voice in my head began attacking
and now i can't make it stop

that the mere thought of Him sends me into a ball of raw nerves
and i can't seem to think of anything but Him

how my daughter asked if she was going to get to draw with Him again soon
how i had to sit her down and explained that He wouldn't be around anymore

how do i tell her
i wanted more with her as well
when i'm not a man in her eyes
how i know she doesn't see me that way

how i can't stand the thought of just being friends with either of them
how my heart is pounding as it breaks over and over
making me afraid i won't have a heart left when it finally stops breaking
how the tears are so hot they almost burn my sensitive face
my face which has been bathed in tears almost non stop since He left